


Four Stooges versus The World

by YareYareDaze



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Multi, Self-Indulgent, multiple masters au, no beta we die like men, saving the world but not really, some people just wanna watch the world burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:47:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 35,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24501067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YareYareDaze/pseuds/YareYareDaze
Summary: Four people from various places are presented with an opportunity to head to "middle-of-frozen-nowhere" Antarctica for a job that consists of ridiculous activities such as magecraft, pseudo-time travel, and the most extra of all history courses.To various degrees, they each take that flyer and apply. What happens next will shock you. Or not. Maybe you've heard this story before.And so four fast friends bond together for an adventure of a lifetime filled with survival, fun, sadness, danger, and heck, maybe they will find romance too.(A retelling of Fate/Grand Order but with some friends with ahem, interesting personality quirks and hobbies.)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	1. Orientation

**Chapter One: Orientation**

The frantic pitter-patter of footsteps echoed in the empty halls of the Chaldea Security Institute as a young lady ran, panicking. 

This wasn’t supposed to happen, but here she was, lost in an unfamiliar building and possibly late for the Director’s introduction speech! 

It was bad enough spending time in her assigned dormitory fussing and fidgeting over her new uniform (the top felt too much like a straightjacket and the white heeled shoes were _just_ not her type), but she had completely lost track of the hour in the process. It was only when she absentmindedly stared at the clock in her room that she realized it was ten minutes until the orientation started! 

While sprinting across the halls, she had come across a man dressed in fancy green clothes. Screeching to a halt, she cautiously approached him with a look that screamed lost and desperate. At least, she thought so. People often told her she was easy to read.

The man in green looked at her expectantly, but never once opened his eyes. That looked suspicious. Even so, she needed directions and anyone would be of help at this point.

“Uh, sir? Do you happen to know where the Central Command room is? I’m uh, lost.”

“You must be new here, yes? Just go straight down the hall. You can’t miss it." Although she couldn't see his eyes, his face held an expression of amusement. "Oh, and do hurry, the meeting starts in 5 minutes. You wouldn’t want to strike a bad first impression with the Director!”

The young lady quickly thanked the kind but shady green stranger and ran down the hall at a pace that would make a track runner coach impressed.

Five minutes?! Ah jeez, what would the employees say about her now? From the comment of the green man, the Director was the type to keep mistakes like these in mind. Oh, she would definitely be on the radar. For sure.

Unfortunately the young lady was so lost in her thoughts she didn’t notice she was rapidly approaching somebody up ahead-

\- and proceeded to collide with the unfortunate soul, causing both to tumble onto the floor.

“Ghk!”

“Owww…”

The floor felt a lot squishier than she had expected. Oh crap, did she just use a person as a meat shield?

“Oh my gosh. Oh jeez. I’m so sorry!” The young lady scrambled to her feet, knees aching from the impact. She peered over the poor person lying face-down, who looked to be an average looking guy with dark brown hair.

“I am so, so sorry, I was on my way to the Orientation, and I don’t really know my way around this place! I was running all over the place looking for the command room and this man told me it was down this hall so I ran but I didn’t see you! Uh, um, my name’s Chiaki by the way, and, and, and-”

He wasn’t moving from his position down on the floor. Either this man died or he was ignoring her. Ooooh, she was going to be late if this guy didn’t respond right now!

“Hey, are you listening to me?” Chiaki pouted, arms crossed and her foot impatiently tapping the floor. 

“I heard you.” Finally, the boy attempted to stand up, hands on the floor for support. “My name’s Ryuuto. You mind giving me a hand up?”

Chiaki’s features softened into an embarrassed smile. “Oh right, sorry.” She held a hand out, and pulled Ryuuto up. Silly girl, no one dies from a collision like that!

And so both of them went down the hall, though Ryuuto was slightly limping. 

“So um, you know the way to the Central Command Room, right? You’ve got the same uniform on, so I figured you’re a part of this program too.” Chiaki kept the embarrassed smile all the way through. It was a tad unsettling, but it was clear it was due to stress.

The brunette nodded. “Yup, that’s right. I found the pamphlet in the mail, applied on a whim, and got accepted.”

“Huh, that’s what I did! Except I didn’t really believe the response they gave me at first. Did...did some people bust down your front door a week later and kidnap you with magic chloroform too?”

Ryuuto stared at his new companion like she had grown another head.

“Uh, no? I got the letter in the mail and booked my flight here like it told me to.” Admittedly he didn’t think about the job seriously, but if magic was real, then that was an opportunity he did not want to miss. Oh, and the payment looked great.

Chiaki laughed. “That was a joke! If that actually happened, I would be scared and nervous about everything!”

"Okay then." For some reason, Ryuuto found it hard to believe that. It sounded way too specific. Was everyone here this strange?

Chiaki found the entrance and both opened the door into the Command Room, hoping they made it in time.

The Command room looked packed with other candidates, except for the front row where coincidentally, two seats were open. Oh no, right in front of the Director! Ryuuto internally cursed his luck.

Both newbie candidates shuffled to the open seats. Fortunately, the director was talking to somebody and everyone else was engaged in idle conversation.

“Phew.” Ryuuto let out a sigh as he and Chiaki sat down. The person next to him turned to face him and gave a friendly smile. It was a young man who looked about his age and had messy dirty blonde hair.

“Hey, nice to meet ya. I’m Alpha. Are you a rookie candidate too?”

Ryuuto nodded. “Yeah. I just had the craziest time getting to know this place.”

“Tell me about it!”

And so he did, from the notice of the job opening to the encounter with Chiaki.

* * *

Meanwhile, Chiaki turned to face her new neighbor, who was staring at the Director. He had slightly tanned skin and was pretty tall. 

“Heya, watcha lookin’ at there?”

He didn’t turn to face her. “The Director, she’s totally hot. I mean, I'd let her step on me.”

There were no words coming out of the young lady’s mouth for a minute after that. Did this guy have no shame?

“Uhuh, yeah, um, so what’s your name? I’m Chiaki.” She made a nervous chuckle, and Chiaki internally cringed at her wavering confidence.

“ _Mi chiamo_ Naughty.” He mumbled.

Was that Italian? It sounded Italian. But that name definitely did not.

“You’re kidding, right? You can’t possibly be called Naughty.”

“And you can’t possibly be called Chiaki.” He turned around, green eyes laughing with a teasing smirk. 

“Touche.” She grinned.

“I’m Italian, not French.” And then the grin fell. At least her hunch was right.

This conversation was going nowhere. Chiaki made a face and twirled a strand of red hair with her hand falling silent with defeat. But thankfully, it looked like the meeting was about to start. The green man she met earlier had ceased to talk with the director, who was making her way to the front of the stage.

Now that Chiaki had a better view of her, Naughty wasn’t wrong. The Director was very pretty. She had a nice figure and her outfit was elegant, but personally, those orange colors were kind of tacky. Part of her white hair was caught in a weird braid, and it was a silly detail Chiaki couldn’t help but stare at.

And then the woman began to speak. Chiaki felt a wave of drowsiness hit her, and realized it was going to be a long talk.

* * *

The orientation came and went, and it ended with the Director shooing the front row out to get basic training after discovering most of them were “amateur civilians”. She made a big ruckus out of it, which felt completely unnecessary. Saving the world? Time travel? Preserving human history? The extinction of humans and the end of the world as anyone would know it? It felt like a lot of things were being thrown all at once over something that should have been in the manual.

And so Ryuuto found himself with the girl who ran him over earlier, a nice new friend in Alpha, and a tall guy who tagged along, all in one small conference room.

Somebody else had entered shortly after; a man dressed in scrubs and had hair up in a fluffy ponytail. He took a seat at the head of the table.

"Hello everyone, my name is Dr. Romani Archman but you can call me Roman. It's shorter and sweeter. You are all going to be part of our Chaldea Beginner’s Group, since you all are well, beginners with magecraft. I'll leave you all to your own devices for now since I'm needed to deal with the other groups in preparation for the Rayshifting. But I suggest you all get to know each other.”

And with that, the man in scrubs unceremoniously left the room, albeit in a hurry. Yeah, it was safe to say everyone in here was strange.

Chiaki broke the silence. “So would it be safe to assume all of you lied about your names in the application?”

Everyone nodded without any shame. 

“And that we didn’t take this seriously?”

Again, everyone nodded with no hesitation.

She sighed. “Well, dang. I guess great minds really do think alike. Now I’m curious as to why any of you would sign up for a job in the middle of frozen nowhere. I’m just here for some work experience.”

Ryuuto did a double take. “Is this your first job or something?!” To be fair, she looked really young. He didn’t believe her when she said she was over eighteen on the way to the Command Room.

“Huh? No, I’ve worked before. Just not anything as high-profile as this.”

Ryuuto sighed. “I’m also here for a job. There’s nothing else to it, except that maybe learning magic would be cool. If it’s real, anyway.”

The blonde guy smiled, but it wasn’t really a happy smile. It was the grimace of a person who was depressed, a person who was molded by shadows and thrived in the darkness. “I’m Alpha. I’m here because I feel absolutely done with life and I wanted something to do. The stakes being high don’t matter. Maybe I’ll die here or something.”

Chiaki swore the room felt a lot emptier after that statement.

“Same here.” said Naughty, who was again wearing a smirk on his face. “But I want to at least die surrounded by _bella donnas_ with huge br-” Chiaki slammed her hands down intensely on the conference table.

“Okay! Okay, I think we got a good idea of what you’re looking for, Naughty. And uh, Alpha? Try to lighten up. No one is dying. Heck, nothing bad has happened yet.”

And then the lights went out, with a terrific boom shaking the room. It felt like an earthquake hitting without warning.

“Why did you have to say that?! You jinxed us! Look what happened.”

“Well excuse me, do I look like I see the future?”

“This is fine.”

An alarm started to blare off, and the lights returned with a pulsing red glare. An announcement ordering evacuation from the Command Room came over the PA speakers, and the atmosphere automatically turned tense.

“We’re not far from that place. If we leave now, we can make it out, right?”

“I’m perfectly fine with this situation.”

“Alpha, what the hell? This isn’t the time for jokes!”

“Sorry, sorry. But wait, what if someone's in trouble?” He had a point. There were a number of people in that room that stayed. What if there were survivors?

Ryuuto made his way to the door. “We gotta do something. There could be injured people, and more people carrying them out will make evacuation faster.”

Chiaki nodded. “Yeah, I agree.” She turned to face the remaining two guys. “You guys are coming?”

"Well, I guess we can play being heroes." Naughty shrugged, with Alpha nodding. The two joined Chiaki and Ryuuto, and so the Chaldea Beginner squad quickly shifted into the Beginner Rescue squad.

* * *

The Command Room was a complete disaster, and the situation felt utterly hopeless. The Chaldeas planet model burned an angry bright orange, matching the flames incinerating the walls and unstable scaffolding. Pieces of the ceiling had fallen, and the floor was scattered with debris, mixing with the smoke-filled air. It looked hellish, felt hellish, and definitely was some place no one in their right mind would walk into.

No survivors. 

That’s what it looked like upon coming here, and Chiaki felt her heart drop. This wasn’t supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen. Everything should have been normal, well, as normal as the Grand Order mission could get, but a tragedy like this felt unreal.

The man from earlier-Dr. Roman, was it?- was here, and yelled something about leaving to keep the light of Chaldeas on and for anyone left to evacuate, but nobody really listened. The doctor left, probably believing that they did.

Alpha stared at it all, paralyzed in despair. Naughty and Ryuuto were running around, looking for survivors with futile effort. Chiaki was-

“Hey! Alpha, snap out of it!” Chiaki was shaking his shoulders, forcing the blonde out of his mental state of uselessness. “You gotta help us, ok? You didn't come all this way to just stand here like a sack of potatoes, right? Nothing good will come if you're just a sitting duck!”

"...a sack of potatoes?" Alpha murmured, dumbfounded. 

Chiaki huffed. "Look, there is so much going on here I can't think straight. Just do something helpful!"

She then ran off to go help the other guys. Seconds felt like eternity, and the heat made everything feel feverishly dizzy. Touching objects was out of the question, and Chiaki learned that the hard way when she yelped and jerked her hand away from a red-hot pile of shattered concrete.

"H-hey…"

A weak voice whispered for attention amongst the chaos. Chiaki stopped and turned around but saw nothing but rubble behind her.

"Guys! I think I heard something!"

Naughty, Alpha, and Ryuuto ran over with urgency, and Chiaki put a finger over her mouth, asking for silence.

"I'm, over, here…"

The group made their way to the source of the voice, being careful to look for signs of life and avoid the burning wreckage on the ground. Finally, they came to a stop nearby the planetary model.

A pink haired girl with glasses was weakly smiling at them from the floor, despite her forehead bleeding. She seemed to be wearing some kind of plugsuit, but it was hard to tell since her body waist down was pinned under a huge pile of wreckage. 

Suddenly, the PA system crackled to life.

"180 seconds until all containment measures close. Please evacuate immediately."

"Looks like, we're all, stuck, here…" 

Chiaki knelt down next to the girl. "We'll figure out a way." She turned to the guys. "Let's try to lift the debris off of her!"

Alpha shook his head. "It's no use. It's like she said: we're all stuck here. We can't possibly get her out in two minutes."

Ryuuto stared at the sorry sight. "He's right. I really hate to say it, but he's right. I'm sorry." 

Chiaki’s face crumpled, hurt. “I know, but I wanted to try.”

Ryuuto, Alpha, and Naughty made their way towards Chiaki and the injured girl.

"We're all going to die here, huh? _Merde._ And here I thought I could score a pretty lady before I kicked the bucket."

"Naughty, you have the weirdest priorities. Also, that’s a French curse word." Chiaki gave a light chuckle, but it died too quickly into tears.

She turned to face the other girl in the room. "Hey, I know this is the most unlikely place to do it, but can I know your name?" It felt dumb, but Chiaki felt it might bring some comfort.

"I'm Mash...Mash Kyrielight…" 

"Well, I think that's a lovely name." Chiaki sniffed. Mash gave a tiny smile.

The most unusual introduction sequence ensued in the smoldering rubble of the command room.

"I'm Chiaki. Sorry we had to meet you like this."

"And I'm Ryuuto."

"My name's Alpha."

" _Mi chiamo_ Naughty, lovely lady." 

The Chaldeas computer started to activate and list off technical jargon. The surrounding screens started to glow brighter.

Mash spoke. "Everyone...will you hold my hand, please?" She weakly extended her hand out to the group.

One by one, everyone stacked their hands on top of Mash's, as if readying for a team cheer.

Chiaki closed her eyes and prayed for a miracle. Alpha waited for the sweet embrace of death. Ryuuto thought about how crazy the situation was, but at least he'd be going out with a bang. Naughty hoped the afterlife had blackjack and hookers.

There was a blinding flash of light and a roar of wind, and everyone's consciousness faded to black.


	2. Flame-Contaminated City, part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which our Four Heroes end up in what appears to be hell in every sense of the word. Oh, and they meet some familiar faces.

**CHAPTER 2: Flame Contaminated City/ Fuyuki**

“Kyu…kyu. Fou..fou fou.”

Something licked Alpha’s cheek. It felt cold and wet compared to the warm, uncomfortable ground underneath him. Huh, whatever was licking his face actually didn’t feel so bad. Maybe he could just lie here a bit longer until his mind fully awakened to comprehend the situation. After the incident before he blacked out, Alpha was pretty sure he was dead. And if that was the case, he had all the time in the world to stay on the ground.

“Kyu...kyu kyu!”

The mewling grew louder and it started to annoy him. “That sound…” 

“Alpha...Alpha, please wake up.”

Alpha made a muffled groaning noise. Whatever had been licking him resorted to headbutting him on the side, a fluffy missile constantly hitting him. And now a girl’s voice was asking him to wake up, but he really didn’t feel like responding just yet.

“...He won’t wake up. This is the third try.”

Another voice joined in. “ _ Solo un momento per favore.  _ I’ve got just the idea.” That was Naughty. 

Then there was a whispered conversation going on, with some audible outbursts. “Wait, but, don’t you think that’s coming a little too forward?”

A pause. “You can never be forward enough.” There was a sigh, and the muted rumble of footsteps approaching.

Alpha faked being asleep, as if begging for five more minutes to lie in bed. Whatever those two were planning, he didn’t want any part in it. Can’t they just let the dead sleep in peace?

“Master. Wake up right now. Please. If you don’t wake up, I will kill you.”

So they weren’t dead after all! Alpha’s eyes shot open and he scrambled to his feet in record time. His head was swimming from the sudden shift in balance, but holy crap, was that a death threat being whispered directly to his ear?

Naughty was having a laughing fit, and the pink-haired girl named Mash was blushing slightly. “Hahaha, she really got you there! You shot up like she shoved a chili pepper up your  _ cul _ -”

Suddenly a frowning Chiaki was at his side, as if she had teleported. She covered Naughty’s mouth with an outstretched hand, effectively silencing him. “That’s enough, Naughty. No need to kick him when he’s down.”

Naughty shoved her hand off, frowning. “You didn’t even let me finish. It’s not like you knew what I was going to say.”

Chiaki huffed. “My intuition told me enough. Besides, this isn’t the place for that.”

The italian snorted. “ _ This _ isn’t the place? Take a good look around you.” He gestured to the surrounding landscape. “This is the perfect place, so much that I’m surprised we haven’t run into a demon yet.”

In the distance, fires seemed to perpetually burn out of collapsed urban buildings, the smoke making the sky an infernal sea of dark, warm colors. Some skyscrapers kept their structure but were also burning. The ground was chaotically broken, blood red and barren. The heat was so strong it felt like a stench, forcing its way up the nose. There was silence all around the area, save for the crackle of the flames, the whimpers of some kind of animal and the sound of a few people bickering in the distance.

Alpha looked at the sky and wondered which circle of hell did everyone just drop into. 

“Umm…” He turned around, only to find Mash sympathetically smiling at him.

“Sorry about startling you earlier, it came out wrong. What I meant to say was that if you didn’t wake up, you were going to be killed.”

Alpha shrugged. “That’s life.” Mash looked at him with mild concern.

“No, I really meant it. Look” She pointed to the ground. Bones were littered everywhere, along with a few skulls, chipped swords, and ragged pieces of cloth.

“We were attacked while I was knocked out?”

Mash nodded. “You were the last one to wake up. Ryuuto was first so he went to scout the area, but he hasn’t come back yet. Chiaki and Naughty woke up soon after, and just in time too. You were on the ground asleep, and a horde of these skeletons were heading your way.”

Alpha stared at the skeletal remains again, eyebrows raised. He really slept through a battle! But wait, who was dealing with these things? He wasn’t exactly the best judge of character, but he was pretty sure that no one in their group was that strong. Unless...

He looked at Mash again. She was no longer injured or bloody, and had some sort of black and purple armor on. An enormous cross shield was at her side (seriously, how did he miss that?) and her stomach was suspiciously missing a great deal of protection.

“Like what you see? That armor really suits her. I like her style.” Naughty was suddenly at his side, arm at his shoulder, also checking out Mash’s new look.

“Uhhh…” Alpha was at a loss for words. “It doesn’t really look defensive…”

“Why do you think she has such a big shield, fool? Besides, now I know Mash has got a great personality, if you know what I mean.”

Chiaki headed over to Mash, ignoring the two weirdos. “Don’t mind them. They must be perverts. Anyway, I think you’re pretty strong to be able to fend off those skeleton monsters! Did you train in combat or something?”

Mash was still blushing from the previous conversation. “I did, but not on that kind of level. I always had to stay after class. I wasn’t even capable of doing a pull-up.” Chiaki nodded with empathy, silently relating to that last statement.

Mash continued. “But the reason I was able to fight like that earlier was because I-” 

Suddenly a blue hologram sprouted from seemingly nowhere. A face materialized, and everyone recognized it as-

“Dr. Roman?”

“This is the Chaldea Command Room! Do you read me?”

Thus began Mash’s report on the current situation. “This is Mash Kyrielight, a member of the A-Team. Currently I have shifted to Singularity F, with 4 candidates as sole survivors, with minds and bodies intact. Their Rayshifting and Master capability is satisfactory.”

From the hologram screen, the doctor looked at the group. “Uhuh, I see. But I’m only seeing three. Where is the fourth?”

Chiaki spoke up. “He went ahead to scout the area.”

Dr. Roman looked shocked. “Do you know how dangerous this location is? You can’t let anyone out of your sight in a place like this!”

Mash opened her mouth to respond, but before she could utter a word there was a piercing scream coming from up ahead.

Chiaki gasped. “Oh no, he’s probably in danger!” Everyone ran forward to investigate, the doctor’s projection barely keeping its stability as it became mobile. “Wait, don’t ignore me! You guys are heading straight into-” Unfortunately the signal couldn’t withstand the jostling and winked out.

“Was that him? Didn’t know Ryuuto screamed like a girl.” 

“Maybe he found a survivor, Naughty.”

“He seems like the type to me!” 

“Never mind that! There he is! But we’ve got company!” The motley crew and their Shielder slowed down, only to find a huge horde of skeleton warriors in the distance heading for what appeared to be Ryuuto and some woman. No wait, that wasn’t just any woman- it was the Director herself!

She was also firing off spells from her hands, like a functional finger gun. All the while, she was complaining nonsense to herself. Ryuuto was perched atop some rocky wreckage above. He turned around and noticed the incoming group. “Hey guys! I found someone important! But uh, we could use some help getting rid of these skellies!”

Mash readied her shield, positioning herself between everyone and the incoming skeleton army. She looked determined, though her legs were visibly shaking. “P-preparing for combat. Mash Kyrielight, engaging the enemy!” 

“Whoa...you’re really going to take them on again?” Ryuuto looked at the skeletons. They hadn’t shifted their attention from the Director at all, and she was clearly getting tired from nonstop rapid fire spells. Ranged attacks were only going to get more useless if they just hit a single enemy.

However, all of the skeleton warriors seemed to be clumped into one big unit, like a rapidly advancing wall of bowling pin doom.

Wait, bowling pins...that’s right!

“Mash! I want you to take your shield and charge at them from above from here!” Ryuuto jumped off the platform to make space.

“They’re getting closer! Hurry!” Chiaki was starting to panic, jumping up and down due to stress? Excitement? Nervous energy and adrenaline? It was a combination of everything.

Alpha just stared in disbelief at the scene unfolding in front of him. “This is it, huh? A skeleton army stampede. It’s like those jokes about the skeleton war. But this is real.”

“Roger!” Mash backed up and sprinted for the perch Ryuuto stood on. She effortlessly leaped for the rocky outpost with her shield, her heels making shallow dents on the narrow platform.

It would have to be somewhat precise. If Mash fell too late, she would end up behind the enemy and leave everyone else defenseless. Landing early would be a better mistake.

“Now, Mash!” 

As Mash Kyrielight took a deep breath and dived towards the skeleton army shield-first, time seemed to slow down. Ryuuto, Chiaki, Alpha, and the Director all stared, stupefied at the sight of the petite shield bearer honing in on the skeletons that moved forward without a care. Against the backdrop of the smoky sky, her exposed pale skin stood out a lot.

Which was why Naughty was clearly enjoying his view of Mash from below.

Mash Kyrielight landed a perfect aerial strike. But by perfect, it was a perfectly destructive collision. In fact, she slammed into the enemy so hard a crater was formed! Bones and dust exploded everywhere, which would have made any mage collecting materials feel like heaven. Bony shrapnel and fragments flew everywhere, but it was deflected by a magic shield the Director created.

When the smoke cleared, a bunch of scattered skeleton warriors still remained, so Mash got into a fighting stance and prepared to shield bash the bony enemies to oblivion. She skillfully beat them until there was nothing left. With a final leap, she slammed into the last skeleton standing, the undead warrior dissolving into dust upon impact with her shield. With no more danger in sight, the shield girl made her way back to the group.

The Director had a scowl on her face as she paced around. “Will anyone explain to me what exactly is going on here?! If Lev was here, none of this would be an issue. Where is Lev? Leeeev!”

Alpha muttered something under his breath. “For a leader, she seems kind of needy. Is Lev her dad or something?”

“I heard that!” 

Alpha got flustered, but it could have been the infernal temperature as well. Mash stepped forward, catching the Director's attention. “This is Singularity F, Fuyuki 2004.” She paused to look at herself. “It might be hard to believe, but I-”

“You’ve become a demi-Servant, right? I could tell by simply looking at you. Hmph. I wonder why it worked now, of all places...”

“Excuse me, but what’s a Servant?” Chiaki asked innocently. Unfortunately, this caused the Director to glare at her with a gaze fiercer than the burning fires of Fuyuki.

“You applied for this job, went through a simulation, attended the Orientation lecture, and you STILL don’t know basic terminology?!” 

“I don’t...I’m sorry!” Chiaki slowly backed away, intimidated by the outburst. Ooooh crap. Now she had done it, this was going to earn her a spot on the Director’s radar for sure! Everyone else in the group looked at her with a look of pity, but said nothing to help.

The Director sighed. “Now I remember. You lot are the commoners who applied. Just wonderful. I guess an explanation is in order, but first we need to set up a base camp. Find the place where the most magical energy gathers- a leyline- so that we can communicate with Chaldea more efficiently. We should start looking-”

“Um, it’s here. The leyline is at your feet, Director.” Mash said.

“R-right! I knew that! Now, lend me your shield. I’m going to set up a summoning circle using your Noble Phantasm as a catalyst.”

As the Director set up the summoning circle, Mash explained about Servants, Masters, and the Holy Grail War to the group. It was kind of pleasant actually, since she was patient and answered questions with expert detail, but not enough to put anyone to sleep.

But now something bothered Ryuuto. “So if Servants have Masters...who is commanding you, Mash?”

“That’s a good question. All of you have a high affinity for being a Master, but I don’t think it's possible for multiple people to share one Servant.”

A lightbulb went off in Chiaki’s head, and so she put her newfound knowledge to use. “So then, it’s whoever has Command Seals, right? You just have to check yourself for weird red markings!”

“Right…ok. Let’s figure out who’s got them.” Alpha mumbled as if on autopilot.

Everyone checked their hands, wrists, arms, even their ankles. “Well?” Chiaki asked. “Anyone find strange tattoos? Because I don’t have anything on me.”

Alpha shook his head. “Nope. But that’s ok with me.”

Ryuuto looked slightly upset. “I don’t have them.”

Naughty chuckled, and showed off the back of his right hand. There was a crimson brand that resembled a shield somewhat. 

“It’s me. I’m the Maestro.”

Ryuuto made a disgusted face. “You are like the last person I would want hanging around her.” Alpha and Chiaki nodded in agreement. 

“Now, now, guys. You may think of me as a pervert but I assure you, I’m more competent than you think.” Naughy smirked. Nobody really believed that.

“You know, this doesn’t mean much. It just means Naughty is the one supplying me with energy and commanding me in battle…” Mash said, a sweat drop forming on her forehead.

Ryuuto huffed. “Well I think I did a better job with commands. Remember who got us out of that bind with the skeletons?”

Naughty’s smirk grew impossibly wider. “I think someone here is jealous!”

“I’m not jealous! I just think it’s weird that you of all people get to be her Master!”

Chiaki rolled her eyes. Boys will be boys, after all. Alpha, on the other hand, was brooding in silence, as those in contemplation usually do.

“...seriously, THIS is what you commoners are arguing about? You two squabble as if competing for a toy!” The Director had finished setting up the circle and re-establishing communications with Chaldea, and had returned only to find this mess. It appeared that she had overheard everything.

Ryuuto got flustered. “I didn’t mean for it to sound like that! Sorry…” Even Naughty looked briefly taken aback, then resumed his nonchalant demeanor.

“Servants are not mere familiars you get to boss around willy-nilly.” The Director gave the two fighters an accusing glare. “They are dangerous, powerful spirits. If you do not establish a good relationship, expect betrayal and death.”

“That said...I am ordering you all to investigate the Singularity with me. This city is dangerous and is full of dangerous creatures. You will need protection-” The director huffed. “And so you are lucky Chaldea has the resources for an emergency summon right now.” 

She turned to Ryuuto. “Because you have shown decent skill with strategy, I will let you have the opportunity to use the summoning system.” 

“As for the rest of you, watch closely.”

And so everyone made their way to the summoning circle, where Mash’s shield was glowing a faint blue. Lines of mana surrounded the area, giving off a mysterious glow. 

Upon approaching the circle, the Director gave instructions to Ryuuto. “Just stand in front of it and focus your mana into the circle. Think about an ally that can be strong and offer protection, or what have you.”

The young man stood in front of the circle and almost immediately, tiny orbs of light materialized above the shield and began to spin. There was a flash of light, causing everyone to avert their gaze in fear of going blind.

When the brightness subsided, Ryuuto squinted at what he had brought forth in this world. He was hoping for someone powerful, strong, like a knight. Hopefully not a demon or a monster. 

A small figure in gray armor had manifested on top of the circle, holding a silver shield and an enormous lance. Both items looked a little big for the armored figure, but they were held with ease.

“I’m Gareth, seventh seat of the Round Table, a knight who served King Arthur!”

“That knight is a girl?” Chiaki asked, dumbfounded.

“Seems it.” Alpha mumbled, staring at the petite knight.

“From what it looks like, Gareth must be a Lancer.” said Mash, informatively.

Ryuuto gingerly looked at his new Servant. This was not what he had in mind, but he can’t just say that in front of everyone.

“Nice to meet you, Gareth.” He held his hand out, but everyone could tell his enthusiasm was not there anymore.

However, the Lancer didn’t seem to notice. She walked out of the circle and shook his hand.

“I hope we can get along, Master!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahahahaha, so this one's going to be a two-parter. I feel like this is the more boring half, but I'm hoping the action sequences don't get butchered up for the next part.


	3. Flame-Contaminated City, part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After our heroes welcome the new Lancer, they decide to explore the area, and make the most of it! Oh, and they make a new ally with a homeless wizard hockey player, and figure out what's really going on.

**Chapter 3: Flame-Contaminated City, Part 2**

_ “I hope we can get along, Master!” _

Gareth’s words rang in Ryuuto’s head as he stared at the spectacle in front of him: Chiaki was checking out Gareth’s lance with enthusiasm while Mash sighed and the Director was once again yelling at them to focus on the mission at hand. Again, he wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth, but…

“You know,  _ la ragazza  _ over there is really cute. Don’t you agree, Alpha?” Naughty once again had the blonde by the shoulder, watching the girls. However, he didn’t say a word to the Italian. Not out of annoyance, but because he too was engrossed with the little girl knight. She was definitely not his type, swinging that lance every which way and her energetic face with rosy pink cheeks. 

Eventually everyone got back on track and started to discuss their next course of action. Fuyuki was a huge area, the singularity’s origin point could be anywhere! However, the Director decided that everyone investigate the nearby church ruins first. 

“Everything’s burnt as far as the eye can see, and there aren’t any traces of residents either. What happened here?” The Director thoughtfully spoke, her face stuck with a perpetual frown. “Why did Chaldeas turn gray in the first place? Did the Counter Force find no way to salvage the decision of destruction?”

The Director sighed. “When your choices become mistakes, this is what happens.”

From the hologram projection, Roman spoke up. “Looks like the Director is talking to herself again. This could take a while.”

Ryuuto glanced at the Director, who had started to go a little ways ahead of the group. “Say, why don’t we take a little break?”

Everyone liked that. And so out of rations that were miraculously scrounged from broken buildings and abandoned shops, the motley crew had a picnic in Fuyuki, which was basically a picnic in hell, considering the burning backdrop.

“So, how does it feel to be a Servant? Do you feel tired, or get hungry?” Chiaki opened up a small can of mystery meat, offering it to Mash. 

She blushed, but politely refused. “For the most part, I’m doing fine. It’s just a bit scary to fight.”

Chiaki nodded. “I don’t blame you, suddenly fighting for your life against undead skeletons would give anyone a scare.” She stuck a finger into the can and scraped out a clump of what appeared to be canned tuna. Shrugging, she popped it into her mouth and savored the salty taste of the fish.

Ryuuto spoke up. “Are you ok with Naughty being your Master?”

Chiaki made a muffled noise as if to speak, but her mouth was full of tuna. Mash simply shrugged. “It’s ok. It’s true, he can be disappointing when he flirts, but Naughty isn’t just all that. He did give me advice on how to wake up Alpha.”

Naughty had been sitting nearby with Alpha and grinned at that. He gave Mash a thumbs up while Alpha sipped a cup of tea.

“I see.” Ryuuto looked a little conflicted about her response, but said nothing more.

Gareth arrived and stood next to Ryuuto with a heavy clang of metal armor. “Master, I’ve checked the area. No skeletons in sight for now!” 

Ryuuto subtly scooted a few inches away to give her space. 

“Man, I can’t believe you managed to summon such an adorable yet tough Heroic Spirit! Gareth is amazing! Did you see how she wields her lance? She lugs it around like it's nothing!” The knight in question laughed at Chiaki’s comment.

“It comes with endless hours of practice and training! Being a Knight of the Round Table is hard work, you know?” 

Naughty came closer and looked at Gareth’s hands. “Your hands..I’ve been looking at them for a while now. They’re so beautiful, white as a lily too.”

Beneath the silver helmet visor, Gareth blushed, her rosy cheeks turning even redder than before. “Thank you! I’ve often been praised for them. But for someone who I have just met, they must have been quite eye-catching, ufufu!” 

Chiaki looked at Ryuuto, who was giving Naughty a baffled and annoyed look, and decided to tease him. “Hey Ryuuto, I think he’s trying to steal your Servant.”

The brunette hmphed. “Well, if he wants to do that, fine with me. But then there’s no stopping me from befriending Mash!”

Chiaki rolled her eyes and smiled as he made his way to the pink haired Shielder, starting a conversation just out of earshot.

And everyone had a nice picnic, until the doctor decided to peep his head out of the comms hologram to make an announcement. 

“We’ve got trouble!”

Everyone became alert and tense. Gareth and Mash got into a defensive position quickly, spear and shield at the ready.

“Incoming...two Servants!” 

“What?! Two of them? But there’s nobody here!” Chiaki looked around, bewildered. Her now-empty can of tuna fell onto the ground, and she got slightly upset that the atmosphere was no longer calm.

“Servants without Masters...that is possible, but they would only be shadows of Servants. This could be a Holy Grail War. Argh, why is this place so confusing? This Singularity is seriously twisted…” The Director was back at it again with her thoughts being spoken out loud.

Soon, the enemies approached. One was a huge shadowy figure, with a long arm and a skull mask. He seemed bulky, and a dark purple miasma seemed to swirl around him like an evil aura. His partner was also shrouded in the same mist, but looked a lot more human. With a variety of spears, swords, and other pointy stick weapons, he looked like a warrior from ancient times.

Alpha was once again resuming his default position, which was that of a sack of potatoes. "We're not going to die, right? Because even if that was the case, I'd be alright with it, but I think I prefer being alive for now."

Chiaki was having none of it. "Don't be silly!" She reached for his head aiming to smack him, but he dodged easily. "Team Shield n’ Spear can take care of this. I believe in them!"

"...Team Shield and Spear? You gave them a name already?" It was supposed to be a mumble, but it came out too loud.

Chiaki grinned sheepishly. "Well, yeah! Saying Naughty-Mash-Gareth-Ryuuto isn't very catchy, right?" 

"I am  _ so _ glad you two aren't Masters right now…" The Director fought the urge to do a massive facepalm.

And so for Naughty and Ryuuto, it was showtime. Ryuuto looked at their opponents and sized them up.

"Two versus two, and I have no idea what kind of Servants they are."

Naughty gave himself a few seconds of thinking before his response. "I say you and Gareth should take on the one with the arm. Mash and I will cover the attacks of the guy with the weapons."

Ryuuto scoffed. "Since when did you decide to call the shots?"

"Since I decided we better make a move before they do." Naughty gave his usual smirk, and turned to look at Mash. "Time to show these guys what we’re made of. Don’t be afraid.”

“Hahahaha, more Servants to fight? Well, I’ll take their heads and then the Grail will be mine!” Skull face cackled while the other shadow Servant pulled out a naginata with a wicked looking blade tip in menacing silence.

Mash stepped forward, her cross shield ready. “Mash Kyrielight, assuming combat mode!”

The first strike came from the bulky shadow Servant. Daggers flung from his hands flew at a breakneck pace and lodged themselves on Gareth’s armor. “Ghh!”

The silver knight stumbled, trying to stabilize her stance, but the skull-faced foe was quick to fling daggers to keep her moving. However, if there was any pain coming from the assault, Gareth showed none of it. 

“I can take it! This is nothing!”

“That must be an Assassin-class Servant. He’s going to wear her down with agility, and when her armor can’t take it anymore, he’ll go in for the kill.” Alpha stared dead-eyed at the fight, as if fixated by the action.

“Hey, uh, you sound possessed. Have a little faith, ok?” Shooting a concerned glance at the blonde, Chiaki then looked at the fight between the weapons servant and Mash.

Mash was doing all she could to block the shadow Servant’s naginata, and her cross shield looked like it was making every attack a no-sell against her. However, Mash could not make a move against the spear bearer due to using her shield for defense.

With every clang, her shield fell back bit by bit. “Ghhh!”

“Hmm, I guess this one is Lancer-class. They’re at a stalemate, though.” This wasn’t good. If all they could do was defend, then it was only a matter of time before the girls would be exhausted!

Anxiety began to bubble in both of the spectator’s stomachs, and Chiaki was tapping the ground with her foot, full of nervous energy. “We need a hero…”

For a moment, nothing happened. All of a sudden a voice called from directly behind Chiaki. “You called?” 

“GYAAH!” Immediately Chiaki’s shoulders tensed at the sound. She spun around in panic only to find a hooded figure behind her, wielding a staff that looked suspiciously like a hockey stick.

She placed a hand on her chest, and gasped out a greeting. “You! Scared! Me!” 

Alpha approached the blue-robed wizard. “I take it that you’re a Servant? Are you going to kill us?”

Chiaki pushed Alpha back behind her to assert dominance. “You’ll have to excuse him. He’s kind of a death-seeker.” She pointed to the fight ahead in the distance. “Our friends need help over there, please, mister, um, wizard man?”

The wizard unhooded himself, letting his sapphire-blue hair cascade out. “I was just heading there. Seeing those two young ladies fight despite the miserable odds, I just couldn’t let that slide.”

Chiaki smiled, hope shining in her eyes. “Well then, let’s not waste time!” Together, they all ran off to the battlefield. The wizard seemed pretty athletic, and Chiaki admired how fast the newcomer was, if only because she wanted to get there first for internal bragging rights. Alpha wasn't too bad himself, but neither of the two could keep up with the blue wizard.

Back with the Shadow Servant skirmish, Gareth had gotten the hang of the shadow Assassin’s attack pattern and used her small shield to deflect the dagger volleys... 

“Take thiiiis!!!”

...but she was still lagging just a bit behind her Skull-faced enemy. The thrust of her lance did graze the shadow Assassin, who wobbled just out of reach for a second attack.

Mash was still resisting the attacks from Shadow Lancer. However, with each strike, she was starting to counter on her own, angling the shield every other hit for a counterattack. 

And behind the fighters, the two active Masters were giving it their all, issuing commands in tandem. It looked paradoxical, since their attacks were not of working together as one unit, but working alongside each other for the same goal: victory.

“Amazing...they’re holding it out! It's like a double battle!” Chiaki huffed, hands on her knees from the sprint. Alpha quietly stared with curiosity, internally impressed at the turnout of the fight.

“You two have guts, despite being little ladies. There’s still fight left in you two.” The blue-haired wizard man leaped down to the fray, hockey stick staff in tow. “So that’s why I can’t leave you both to fight off these shadows alone!”

With a wave of his hand, red-hot runes materialized in thin air. They glowed with fiery light, and the ground beneath the shadow Servants erupted into flames.

“Grrhk! Who are you?!” The Assassin spat, his skull mask looking angered in the fire light.

“Hmph. Can’t you see? Or did that cursed mud get into your eyes?” 

That definitely was a burn. Shadow Assassin roared, and launched a volley of daggers every which way. Mash quickly caught them on her shield, now resembling a dart board after a drunken man’s turn to play.

Caster waved another set of fire runes, and discs of light zoomed towards the enemy Servants. Mash and Gareth backed away as the discs collided with the enemy in an explosive burst of flames.

The smoke settled. “It’s you...Caster…” The shadow Lancer collapsed and struggled to use his naginata as support to try standing. He could only lift his face into a scowl before disintegrating into purple dust.

“Heave-ho! Gotcha!” Gareth took aim and impaled shadow Assassin with her lance. He too disintegrated, and the fight was over. She rushed over to Ryuuto, practically skipping and making her armor clink and clunk as pieces hit one another.

“Victory! We won, Master!” 

“Yes, victory is ours...whoo.” Ryuuto didn’t look too happy as he replied with a hoarse voice. He looked tired, if anything. His face was pale and his eyes were a tiny bit dull.

“Ah, I think Master is tired.”

“You don’t say…”

"Hmph. You two are rather passable when it comes to dealing with Servants. Keep up the good work, and I just might praise you two down the line." The Director said, her face in a perpetual scowl but the blush of honesty evident on her face.

* * *

After the victory against Shadow Lancer and Assassin (and giving Ryuuto and Naughty some well-earned praise), everyone huddled together as Roman explained the mission to Caster and waited to hear his side of the story.

“...and that’s the current situation in Chaldea. Currently, these four are Masters, but only two are active. We’re all doing field investigations, but let me get this straight: you’re a Servant who is participating in a Holy Grail War, but also its sole survivor, correct?”

The blue Caster nodded. “If by that you mean I haven’t lost. This isn’t a Grail War anymore. Out of nowhere, everything started burning and all the humans vanished. And then Saber started the War back up again, rampaging everywhere.”

He sighed. “Archer, Lancer, Assassin, Rider, and Berserker were all defeated by that chap and corrupted into shadow Servants.”

“So then the rules of the Holy Grail War were broken...I see.” The Director frowned.

Caster continued. “That, and monsters started to spring up like maggots. They are all looking for something, and one of those things just happens to be me. When they finally kill me, this War will end.” He chuckled. “Now you see why I came forward to help? It’s always great to make allies. Strength in numbers, after all.”

“So what do we do now?” asked Chiaki. “It’s not like we’re going directly to Saber and beating the Grail out of her, are we?”

“We’re going to have to do that eventually. But some things first.” The Caster turned to face the redhead Master. “Let’s make a temporary contract, shall we? For the time being, I will be your Servant.”

Chiaki tensed up and blushed. “Wh-why me?!”

“Well, if I contract with any of the active Masters, they’ll strain under the energy flow for two Servants.”

The doctor spoke up. “That wouldn’t be any good. They all just recently activated their magic circuits, so running them full-time would be-”

“Harmful. I understand.” Caster held out his hand to Chiaki. “And besides, I’m not into weaklings like your friend over there, the so-called death-seeker.”

Alpha looked off to the side, quietly. 

“Wh-what about the Director? She’s got amazing magic and stuff!” 

“It sounds to me that you don’t want to take up the role of Master, young lady.”

“It’s not that, I just figured there are people more prepared for that than me. So I just want to be sure I’m not a last-ditch pick.” Chiaki huffed, a little indignant with her tone. But she meant well.

The Director sighed as Caster explained that while she had superior magic circuits, the Director had little aptitude for being a Master. She actually got mad and started to throw a fit!

Chiaki looked at Caster. “I feel like I shouldn’t have asked...but, um, anyways, we have a deal.” Chiaki shook Caster’s hand, wincing as red command seals bloomed onto the back of her left hand. She internally cringed at the fact that her palms were rather sweaty, but Caster didn’t seem to notice or care.

After an awkward minute of shaking hands (it felt like an eternity), Caster continued his plan.

“The second thing at hand is to train that shield girl over there. You didn’t think I noticed that look just now? You feel bad about something.”

Looks like Alpha has company in the depression department now. Mash sighed, disappointment clear on her face. “I still haven’t unleashed my Noble Phantasm.”

“Oh, so that’s what was bothering you. You’re pretty responsible to be thinking like that, Mash…” Roman spoke from the projector, also catching the depression bug. “But an issue like that can’t be settled overnight. It’s a Noble Phantasm, after all. If it was so easy to use your ultimate attack, Servants wouldn’t be special!”

Caster snorted. “ _ Of course _ we can master something like that immediately! Heroic Spirits and Noble Phantasms are one and the same. If this young lady can fight as a Servant, of course she can use her Noble Phantasm. And yet she can’t at the moment, and it’s probably because her magic isn’t circulating right. Or, she isn’t yelling it out loud when practicing.”

“You have to yell your ultimate move out loud? Sounds pretty ridiculous to me.” Ryuuto commented, Gareth at his side with her eyes sparkling.

“He’s right, Master! A way to put your whole spirit into it is by yelling with focus, fury, and passion!” Gareth gripped her lance with pride as Ryuuto rolled his eyes.

“Actually, that was just a metaphor. But this lady gets it.” Caster looked at Mash, who was still a little sad. “So how about it? We’ll take a little detour and have some special training. This Lancer lady and I will have you unleashing your Noble Phantasm in no time.”

“If that’s okay with Master…”

“Sounds fine with me. A Servant as beautiful as you should be as tough as she looks.” Naughty smiled with confident encouragement...while he stared at Mash.

“Alright. As I’m a Caster, you can leave the healing to me.” 

And so everyone made their way to a nearby rocky clearing, ready to boost Mash’s power to the extreme! Or at least, to a level that would leave her with something to be proud of.

Caster’s voice trailed off in the distance. “You know, I do wish I was a Lancer…” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Mash get the upgrade she deserves? Will this gang of nobodies get to the center of what has made Fuyuki a hellhole? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF [Redacted for copyright laws]
> 
> ...Y'know, I originally planned to finish off all of Fuyuki here, but it was a monster of a document and life got in the way. Oh well! The last part will probably come out next Tuesday, if I don't get screwed over by online classes and such! :D
> 
> Useless Trivia: Alpha, Ryuuto, and Naughty love tea, but Chiaki prefers juice. Out of the three guys, Alpha has a tea addiction.


	4. Flame-Contaminated City, Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this episode, Mash beats the crap out of a ton of skeletons, learns how to block fire, and even...no way! Her ultimate attack isn't an attack at all? Well, I guess that's why they call her a Shielder! Our heroes train to get ready to face the big bad.

**Flame-Contaminated City, part 3**

It was really a sight to behold. What once was a barren wasteland of ruined buildings and skeleton warriors prowling the vicinity was still barren, but now bones and dust laid strewn across the area. To anyone just walking in, they would be shocked to hear the yells of “Ira Lupus!”, “Ansuz!”, or “go for it, Mash!” after the silence of the crackling flames of Fuyuki. They might be concerned about the constant yelling, too. 

Yes, something unusual and lively had occupied a tiny section of the city: Servants training one another, and their Masters watching with bated breath….except for one.

Alpha absentmindedly picked up a red bone and waved it around. _These things seemed to be dropped by those skeletons._ “Maybe they’re useful for something…” 

“Of course these materials are useful. Now that most of you have Servant allies, we can use items like these to power them up and exceed their limits!” Director Olga gave the young man a stern look not unlike that of a teacher’s and seemingly produced a bag out of nowhere. Maybe it was magic? It probably was. “Take this bag and start collecting the bones. If you see purple dust, make sure to collect that too.”

The sack looked about the size of a plastic grocery bag. _There’s no way all of those things are going to fit in there,_ Alpha thought, frowning. 

“Well? Did you hear what I said? We don’t have all day, and soon we will have to move on from this area.” 

Alpha sighed. “Yes, Director.” He took the bag reluctantly and began to pick up the red bones lying on the ground, grumbling to himself all the while. But strangely enough, the bag never seemed to get heavier. No matter how many bones went in or how much dust slipped inside from Alpha’s cupped hands, the bag never gained weight.

_Whoa. This must be some kind of hammerspace bag._ Suddenly picking up the spoils of war didn’t seem so bad, and eventually the entire field was litter-free. 

“Hey Alpha!” Chiaki jogged over to Alpha, who was currently messing around with the bag to see if it dropped anything. 

“Oh, hey. What are you doing here Chiaki? Aren’t you supposed to watch the Servants duking it out over there?” 

“Right, right. I was, but I figured you were up to something since you weren’t nearby and the Director was yelling.” She looked at the bag, which was currently upside down as Alpha was shaking it, hoping for something to fall out. “So what’s in the bag?”

“Bones and dust. Some fangs too. They’re supposed to help out Servants or something.” Alpha decided to put his head inside the bag, and was confused to find that it was pitch-black within. 

Peeking out from the empty sack, Alpha sighed. “Looks like there’s nothing to show that I found anything. Oh well.”

Well, that killed the mood.

“So, um, I got a water bottle for you, since this place is a hellhole. Gotta stay hydrated!” Chiaki broke the silence with a weak grin and handed him a plastic bottle. “Anyways, I gotta go before Caster notices I left. See ya!” With a wave, the girl took off and sprinted away. 

Alpha watched her leave, and he swore a little bit of his soul left too. He opened the bottle, groaning as a little bit of water overflowed from the top and spilled on his hands. 

_That’s life, huh?_ He stared into the distance, the sky still bearing the fiery orange of a false sunset.

“At this point even hot tea would have been better.”

* * *

“I can’t, go on any further, please...I’m at my limit…”

Mash was panting heavily from the back-to-back battles between skeletons, Caster and Lancer. She rested on her shield for support, wondering if these battles had any effect on the chipper Gareth and the cool and composed Caster. The blue robed wizard had been inscribing runes of misfortune all over the place (to the chagrin of the Director), attracting numerous skeletons.

Since then it was beat up after beat up, with the occasional spar between Gareth or some long-distance training with Caster. Her will to fight was being spent, and though she was thankful for the combat training and her newfound energy as a Demi-Servant, her stamina was running out. There was also the fact that she had yet to manifest her Noble Phantasm, too.

“Rather than test my will, please teach me some solid theories on how to-”

Caster cut her off. “You just don’t get it, do you?”

“Huh?”

He sighed. “Maybe I miscalculated. Lancer, step aside for now. I will be Mash’s next opponent.”

Gareth eagerly made her way back to Ryuuto’s side, ready to watch how this would turn out. 

Caster looked at the sidelines. There was his temporary Master chugging the last remains of her second water bottle, the Lancer’s Master who had been watching and asking about information the whole time, and finally the master of the shield girl.

An idea suddenly popped up in his head. “You there, young man.” He gestured to Naughty with his staff. “We’re going to make this fight up close and personal.”

The Italian Master grinned. “ _Perfetto._ I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

As he made his way closer to the dueling pair, Caster suddenly flung a fire rune at him, pressuring Mash to deflect the blow with her shield.

“Get back, Master!”

Chiaki gasped. “Caster, what are you doing!” He ignored her and waved his staff, letting fiery missiles descend upon the pair. With some effort, Mash managed to prevent her Master from becoming roasted Italian.

“Now then Mash, don’t hold anything back. Even if you’re at your limit.”

More fire runes exploded, and Mash grunted with effort as she swung her shield to cover her Master. The heat and the bright lights felt oppressive with every detonation, and it was getting harder and harder to simply slide over to the correct spot and protect Naughty.

“You don’t have to hold back because we’re allies. I’m not gonna hold back when I kill Naughty.”

She had to protect him. At this moment in time, that was the priority. The ultimate objective. Defend Master from Caster. That goal and those sentiments was the drive she was running on, giving her the strength to keep going against the constant bombardment of fire.

Meanwhile, the onlookers were reacting in their own ways at the sudden skirmish.

“What is that Servant talking about? This is crazy! What does Naughty have to do with this?” The Director looked extremely flustered at the situation. 

Gareth turned to face her. “Well, if Mash runs out of strength to fight, her Master’s gotta fend for himself!”

“Does that mean he might actually die?” Alpha had finished collecting and had caught up with everyone else wondering what the fuss was all about. 

“Of course not! Mash won’t let him...I think.” Chiaki looked at the fight below. The duo was still doing fine with Mash at the front defending, but with the occasional yelp from Naughty as a stray flame got too close.

“Stay back, Master…” Mash grit her teeth as she charged towards Caster. “I won’t be a hindrance to Naughty, or anyone. I won’t!” With a yell, she picked up speed with renewed vigor.

The shield girl’s Master couldn’t help but look back and watch as his faithful new friend and Servant ran with her giant shield, bashing against Caster’s runes. Her aim was true, and with every strike the runes fizzled and lost their function. Even Caster had to defend himself with his staff for some hits. Truly, Naughty couldn’t take his eyes away from how brave his partner was.

(He also couldn’t help but grin knowing he had a front view to her lovely backside again.)

“What’s he doing? Mash told him to run! Why is he just standing there staring?” Chiaki was panicking, hands balled into fists and pacing wildly.

“Aren’t you Caster's Master? Can’t you get him to stop with a Command Seal or something?” Ryuuto spoke up, after watching the whole situation diligently. He really wasn't averse to Naughty getting put in danger, but a senseless casualty from simply training just wouldn’t do.

“No, wait. Look, everyone!” Gareth pointed to something happening below, and everyone stared in awe once they figured out what it was.

Caster had blasted Mash all the way back to where Naughty stood, and was about to unleash a more powerful spell.

“It’s time to end this.” He raised his staff, and a fiery aura flared to life around him. The ground began to light up with numerous runes, causing everyone to squint.

“My spell is the coffin of flames, a giant of verdant thorn.”

The ground began to rumble, and it felt as if an earthquake had been unleashed. A huge hand shot out of the ground, made of interwoven straw. Another followed, and the tremors increased.

“Retribution, a shrine that will purify human misery-”

The head, and torso slowly ascended, and the sharp crackle of flames accompanied its ascension. 

“Befall the Wicker Man!” Caster yelled, pointing his staff at the Shielder. “And behold as good and evil bite the dust!”

The enormous Wicker Man trudged its way towards them, every step felt more than heard as the ground rumbled and cracked beneath its feet.

“I can’t look!” But Chiaki lied. Her eyes were glued to the scene in horror, and she felt paralyzed as a million possibilities of “I could have stopped Caster” played through her head. But could she? She was only a temporary Master. She didn’t know anything! And now two of her friends might die because of this!

“Please…” She whispered as if in prayer. “Please let them be alright.”

* * *

Mash ran up ahead, putting some distance between the Wicker Man and her Master. This was it, the moment of truth. She realized now what Caster had meant about her will being tested.

_I must protect...I must unleash it. I have to, or everyone here will-_

She planted her shield in front of the advancing burning giant who started to tilt forwards, as if it had lost its balance. Was it going to fall on top of them?

_No._

There was a resolute expression on the Shielder’s face. Even in the burning flames, even if the situation felt severely escalated-

_Even if it’s a fake, even if it’s just for now. I must protect everyone by unleashing it properly._

Light started to gather around her shield.

_Or everyone here will disappear!_

The light burst into a larger construct of a shield, completely covering Mash’s side of the battlefield and even outshining the falling Wicker Man.

Naughty had to blink several times before he realized he was alive, very exhausted, and without a scratch save for his uniform being a little charred in places.

She did it. She must have unleashed her Noble Phantasm, and what a spectacle it was! The giant burning man was gone, and Caster was running towards them with satisfaction.

Mash stared at her shield in surprise, not really believing that she had just nullified Caster’s ultimate attack without any damage. Her lilac eyes were wide in disbelief.

“Did I...did I manage to unleash my Noble Phantasm?”

Caster finally caught up. “Heh. I knew you two would survive that.” He cocked his head to the side to get a look at Naughty. “But I didn’t expect both of you to come out without a scratch.”

Naughty smirked, but deep inside he was feeling an immense relief that his near-death experience was over. “Let’s not do that again, _si_?”

“In any case…” Caster gave Mash a wink. “Praise her, Naughty. That young lady is undoubtedly a first-rate Heroic spirit.”

“ _Molto bene_ , Mash. Congratulations. It truly was amazing.” With those words, Mash’s eyes sparkled and a smile bloomed on her face. And out of nowhere, her little furry friend Fou popped out and gave out congratulatory squeaks as well.

“You did it! I’m so glad! I thought you were goners!” Chiaki reached them all running ahead of everyone else gathering around the victors of the fight.

“Wow, that was impressive. I didn’t expect her to unleash her Noble Phantasm that soon. Mash was never someone with a strong will…” From Chaldea, Dr. Roman commented on the sight.

“Wow, harsh.” Chiaki mumbled. Caster looked at the doctor’s projection. “That’s because you got her all wrong. This fine young lady here is a protector. You can’t teach a bird to swim, yes? Therefore you must teach it to fly high.”

“Or in this case, have a trial by fire.” Chiaki said jokingly, but it earned her a tap on the head from her Caster’s staff. “Oww…”

Caster continued. “Although, she wasn’t able to reach its True Name. That may be inconvenient.”

Mash’s face slightly fell. “Right. I can use my Noble Phantasm now, but I still don’t know its True Name, or the True Name of the Heroic Spirit fused with me…”

“But that’s okay! Gareth spoke up, her face chipper as always. “Even so, you were able to protect your friends. You may not know who it is, but I believe you understand its meaning, to protect the ones you love.” Ahh, it was just like someone she knew. _Someone who defended the homeland_...Gareth kept that thought to herself.

“Yes, it’s fine.” The Director stepped forward, eyeing Mash with a serious yet approving look. “Even if you’re inexperienced and temporary...your very wish unleashed your Noble Phantasm. You didn’t have the slightest desire to obtain a True Name, to become one of the chosen- to become a Heroic Spirit. That’s why your Noble Phantasm responded.”

The Director had a thoughtful look on her face. “Ahh, it’s such an inspiring story. Just like a fairy tale.”

“Um, Director…” Mash sheepishly looked at her boss. 

“Don’t mind me! I’m just teasing. It’s good that you know how to use your Noble Phantasm, but like that Caster said, it will be inconvenient without a True Name. I’ll think of a good spell for you.” With that, the Director looked at Mash’s shield pensively.

“Since it’s a pseudo-deployment...let me see....yes, how about ‘Lord Chaldeas’. It has a special meaning for you, and so it’s good for activating your Spirit Origin.”

“Y-yes...thank you, Director!” Mash had a grateful expression, almost proud, even.

“Lord Chaldeas, huh? That sounds powerful. And from the Director, too.” Naughty looked satisfied.

“Lord Chaldeas...it really has a nice ring to it.” Chiaki mused, nodding. 

“And with that, we’re one step closer to being ready to face the Singularity’s cause.” Ryuuto said.

“That’s right. One step closer…” Alpha echoed, looking off into the distance. 

And so, Mash continued her training to consistently unleash her Noble Phantasm. Gareth and Caster helped, while Ryuuto and Naughty grilled the Director about basic information. Alpha continued to brood, sitting on the ground overlooking the clashing Servants. Chiaki, however, was jumping with excess energy and watching them fight. 

“Alright, here goes! Feel the power of the Rampaging Maiden Wolf, Ira Lupus!”

Gareth readied her lance, energy crackling around her as she faced Mash and Caster.

“Deploying Virtual Noble Phantasm….Lord Chaldeas!”

With a heavy thud, the young lady slammed her shield onto the ground, activating a barrier of light of protection.

The impact was intense: a thunderous boom echoed through the barren land, sending shockwaves through the ground, far from the Chaldean’s little training site.

It went so far as to make even a certain swordsman, lying in wait within a deep cavern, ever so still…

Feel the tiniest bit of anticipation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I did say Tuesday...I wan't expecting inspiration to hit me so late. Anyways, who's up for another round of useless trivia?  
> Today's is...music genres! Alpha is into Rock and Post-grunge, but Ryuuto and Naughty are willing to break into dance if what they hear is music to their ears. Chiaki likes whatever genre Siivagunner classifies as above other things.
> 
> On the next episode: Now that everyone is trained, it's time to get to the source of this madness!


	5. Grand Order, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time, Mash got a spotlight learning how to use her Noble Phantasm! A meaningful experience, she can now defend everyone from turning into Crispy Chaldean! Our heroes now take on Saber, and meet a not-quite familiar face at the end of their journey.

**Fuyuki Final: Grand Order**

“You worthless knight!”

Gareth collided harshly against the cavern’s wall, sending her lance flying a few meters away from her. The rock behind her actually started to fracture, and shards fell from the impact. Looming above Gareth was a blonde woman in black armor, her golden eyes full of scorn and disdain.

“You were all fools to approach me. None of you are worthy of taking the Grail away from me!”

The dark knight gave Gareth a swift kick to her torso, causing her to cry out in pain and send her barreling towards Ryuuto. She landed in front of him, unable to stand up. Muffled sobs came from the poor Lancer, but Ryuuto was too scared to feel any pity at the moment.

The Master of Lancer was the only one standing. Caster was gone, Mash was down on the ground somewhere, and all the other non-Servants had been knocked down from the last swing of the corrupted Saber’s sword. 

“This is the end for you all.” The dark Saber raised her evil sword up high, calling forth dark purple and red tendrils of energy. They swirled menacingly around her sword, and the pressure in the cavern increased. Oh, crap.

“Excalibur Mor-”

_Yeah. That’s me, Ryuuto. Last man standing, no hidden trap card to pull out, and no unlikely ally ready to swoop in to save our asses at the moment. After all the training and massacring of the skeletons and shadow servants, you would think we were ready to take on the boss of this Singularity paradox thing._

_So what happened? Well…_

* * *

“The Greater Grail is back here. It’s a little far back, so don’t get lost, ok?”

At last, the group of Servants, Masters, and one grumpy Director made their way towards a giant cavern. Caster led the way, making sure to choose the path of least resistance. But even then, everyone felt a little bit tense. Supposedly Saber was within, and if that Heroic Spirit was capable of conquering most of the Servants of this disastrous Grail War, who knows what that Saber could do to them if they came unprepared?

As the motley crew walked through the dark, vast cave, they came across even more skeletons. However, they were no match for the Rampaging Maiden Wolf or the flames from the blue-robed hockey wizard.

“Hmmm…” Chiaki hummed as they made their way through the mossy walls, admiring the stalactites. “This looks like a natural cave. Did this place exist before Fuyuki city?” She casually put a hand on the wall, feeling the coolness of the rock.

“Probably. It looks half natural and half man-made, due to many mages over time fashioning this place into a workshop.”The Director said, and Chiaki felt like they were on the verge of another lecture.

“So like, mages have workshops to do magic and stuff?” Chiaki asked, absentmindedly. 

“Well I mean they probably do, or else we’d see magic in everyday life.” Ryuuto was trying to avoid Gareth, who was trying to keep up with his pace and stay close.

“Oh, uh, right…” Chiaki mumbled, crestfallen. “I feel silly for asking.”

"At least you tried." said Alpha in support, but he didn't sound too motivating.

“Speaking of asking, I want to know something, Caster.” The Director walked up to the blue wizard. “Do you know the Saber’s True Name? It sounded like you’d fought several times.”

“Yes, I know it. Anyone who gets hit by that Saber’s Noble Phantasm will find out that bastard’s True Name…” Caster sighed.

“It’s that powerful, huh. Can you tell us what it was like?” Naughty asked, with an eyebrow raised. Mash stood close by, equally as interested.

“Well first off, it’s immensely powerful. All of the other Servants were defeated because of that power. It’s also the most famous sacred sword in your time period, the sister sword of the Sword in the Stone.” Caster had a faraway look on his face, but whatever he was remembering, it wasn’t pleasant.

“The Sword of Promised Victory, Excalibur. And its wielder, King Arthur, the proud King of Knights.”

“Huh? Who said that?” Everyone looked around, confused at the disembodied voice.

Suddenly Caster stopped walking, as he noticed a shadowy figure was in the way. “Well, speak of the devil. Or rather, the faithful follower. Playing gatekeeper to Saber, huh?”

The figure stepped forward. He was covered in the signature miasma of a shadow servant, but his features were a little more pronounced. "I don't take orders from anyone. I'm just trying to keep outsiders away from this place." He narrowed his eyes at the group.

“He’s got a bow! He must be an Archer.” Chiaki exclaimed, peering at the new stranger with wariness.

“Yes...thank you, captain obvious.” mumbled Alpha under his breath. Ryuuto and Naughty both shared looks that expressed that statement.

Caster readied his staff. “I don’t know why you suddenly want to protect Saber, but it’s time to end this. Isn’t a game that never ends boring? For better or worse, we need to get the pieces moving.”

The blue-haired sage turned to face the Chaldeans. “You all go on ahead. I can handle this.”

The shadow Archer exhaled in humor. Was that actually funny though? “I see you still haven’t changed despite being a mage now.” He loaded an arrow onto his bow and aimed for Caster. “In that case, I will shoot some sense into you!” He fired, and the arrow elongated into a spear of dull red light. Caster conjured up a giant rune to deflect the blow, but the intensity and closeness of the missile caused the wizard to get pushed back.

“Did that Archer just...make a pun?” Chiaki blinked in disbelief. 

“Never mind that, you heard your Servant! Run!” The Director snapped, and everyone raced deeper into the cavern, putting their trust in the mage wielding the magical hockey stick.

"You outsiders aren't getting away!" the shadow Archer nocked another arrow and aimed for the escapees. 

"Sorry to burst your bubble, but they are." Caster flicked a stone at Archer, who easily dodged it. The little pebble landed behind the shadow servant with a clink and promptly exploded into a vast cloud of smoke.

“Good luck, Casteeeerrr!” Chiaki’s voice trailed off into the distance. Caster knew she wouldn't be able to see it, but he allowed himself a small smile.

“Thank you Master…” With a wave of his hand, runes manifested and exploded in Archer’s range. “I’m gonna need it.”

* * *

Finally, the endlessly long tunnels of the Great Cavern expanded into a room that had the vast space of the entrance, but the pressure of a mystical being residing here as well.

“So this is the Greater Grail... It's an ultra-superior Magical Reactor... What's it doing on this island nation in the Far East?” Once again, the Director was thinking out loud. 

From audio, the Doctor responded. “According to our data, it was built by an eminent family of alchemists called the Einzberns. Though apparently they didn't belong to the Mage's Association, and were solely made of homunculi.”

“They were all artificial? That’s kind of freaky.” said Alpha. 

“Hey, so this place looks pretty empty...where did Saber go?” Chiaki felt pretty clammy. Everyone else looked around, but stayed close. Who knows if Saber was planning an ambush or trap?

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this…” said Gareth. “My king would never go against the wishes of the people. To think the King of Knights would do such a thing to this city-”

“You have it all wrong. For the sake of humanity, I have to keep this Grail War going. Even when the flames arrived and the humans vanished, there was still a duty to fulfill.”

For the second time, a disembodied voice echoed across the Great Cavern, filling the chamber with sound. 

“Hey wait…” Ryuuto said. “Doesn’t that voice sound kind of feminine to you?” 

“Ah, there! Look!” Chiaki pointed at something in the distance, at what appeared to be a precipice overlooking the area where the group stood. “It’s..a woman? Huh?!” 

“Unbelievable...she’s just standing there, but the amount of magical output and presence is overwhelming!” Mash looked at the figure over the cliff with concern. “Is that really King Arthur?”

Dr. Roman’s hologram appeared once more. “No question. She seems to have changed somehow but that’s definitely the King of Britain, Arthur, wielder of the Sacred Sword.”

“Whoa...and she’s just staring at us menacingly.” Ryuuto said in awe.

The doctor continued with his exposition. “Her gender’s different from the legend, but she had her reasons for dressing like a man in Camelot. I mean, you couldn’t assume the throne unless you were a man, right? She must’ve had to pretend to be a man for family reasons.”

“Some family she’s got.” snarked Naughty.

Dr. Roman sighed. “I have an idea who’s behind that. It’s mentioned in the legends, but Merlin really does have a terrible taste.”

Naughty on the other hand, looked like he wanted to disagree. Alpha gave the Italian a displeased look.

“So King Arthur...is a woman?” Chiaki shook her head. “Geez, how many people were misgendered throughout history? At this rate, you’re going to tell me that ‘Sir’ Francis Drake is a woman, or that the japanese warlord Oda Nobunaga is a woman, not that I see anything wrong with that, it’s just- let’s take a break here. I feel like I’m learning a lot of things a mile-a-minute and- well, magic is real! Everything I know is probably a lie!” By now Chiaki was waving her hands up and down, and she looked a tad crazy. Her little tantrum had turned incomprehensible, and everyone just looked at her with an expression that couldn’t be put into words. 

Even the Saber had an eyebrow raised. Were these people not going to challenge her? Why was this female running around like an idiot?

“Hey Director, Mash, what’s the situation over there? Did somebody snap?” The Doctor looked quite concerned, a sweatdrop forming on his face.

“Hey, if this is the kind of truth this world has, then I'm all up for it!” Naughty grinned.

“You know, maybe we should focus on the problem at hand.” Ryuuto gestured to the dark Saber, who was still standing there like a scarecrow. “Like, how are we actually going to defeat King Arthur before she Excaliburs us to smithereens?”

“Yeah, before we all die or something.” Alpha looked at the Director for guidance, but she was too busy glaring at the Saber. The Saber, in turn, glared back, unwilling to lose the unspoken staring contest.

“A king or not, she is a monster. Her firepower lies in the ridiculous amount of energy she’s receiving from the Grail, most likely.” The Director refused to blink, holding on to her scowl.

“Ah, I see.” Mash held up her shield. “So basically, I should think of her as a human rocket.” 

“It’s now or never. Let’s take down the King of Knights!” Ryuuto and Gareth got into attacking stances.

“Well then, let’s not get outdone by those two.” Naughty said with a wink to Mash.

“Understood. I’ll fight with everything I’ve got!” And so all four combatants awaited the actions of the enemy.

“Hmph. To be pitted against a former subordinate and that Noble Phantasm...this must be fate. I’m curious, girl.” Saber hopped down, losing the high ground and getting on the Chaldean’s level. As she descended, Saber swung down her blackened sword with grace, firmly striking the ground and emitting a shockwave.

“My sword will test the truth of that shield, and the resolve of that lance.”

“Get behind me, you two. I don’t want anyone who isn’t fighting turned into a casualty because of incompetence.” The Director casted a golden barrier of light, screening Chiaki and Alpha from the fight.

Saber swung her sword with effort, causing the air to materialize purple waves of energy. Mash quickly intercepted them, giving Gareth an opening to attack.

“My king! Don’t hide beneath that mask and show your face!” 

Gareth aimed at the blackened Saber’s mask, and for a first strike, it was a critical hit! Chiaki visibly cringed as Saber got smacked with the tip of Gareth’s lance, causing the swordswoman to stumble.

“I need to know…” Gareth murmured as Saber staggered back, her facial mask fragmenting and falling away to reveal her true face. “I need to know if what you say is true.”

The king raised her face and confronted the knight. Cold, pale yellow eyes met determined green ones. And in that moment, Gareth could tell there was no convincing her to back down. A horrible feeling manifested itself in her stomach, but the lancer pushed it down. 

The unmasked king pursed her lips and thrust her sword, only to be blocked by Gareth’s own shield. The impact pushed them apart, though, and soon Saber was raising her sword again.

“Whoa...will you look at that. She’s really pretty, Ryu! If only we weren’t fighting, I would totally strike up a conversation.” Naughty’s face was that of someone who had been peeping and saw something he liked. 

“I’m not gonna lie, she is totally my type.” Ryuuto said, distracted by the Saber to notice that Gareth was about to get hit by a wave of purple energy. “But never mind that! She’s gonna kill us if we’re not careful.”

“Ghh!” Mash launched herself into Saber’s assault and blocked the hits with her shield. 

“Hmph. Is that all you can take?” The tyrant king slammed her sword against the shield, and an explosive burst of energy trailed after it. Mash pressed against the burst, but it was far too strong. The Shielder skidded across the ground, leaving lines on the ground with her heels.

Saber swung again, and again and again. Wave after wave of dark energy buffeted the Servants, pushing them back to their Masters. With every swing, the blasts felt more forceful, forcing Mash to expend more energy to block the barrage of sword beams.

And, she stopped. Saber grasped her cursed sword with two hands, frowning at her enemies. The only damage she had sustained was a broken mask and a little more. Did they seriously believe that would be enough to stop her? She glanced at their Masters, who were looking at her back. One of them was looking at her with love, the other with fear and anticipation.

Fools.

“The time has come to test your shield, girl.”

The chamber darkened, and Saber started to radiate an aura of darkness, a miasma of dark magenta and crimson red.

“Vortigern, Hammer of the Vile King.” Her aura started to pulsate. Mash and Gareth run in front of their Masters, fearing Saber’s ultimate attack. “Here it comes…” murmured Gareth.

“Reverse the rising sun. Swallow the light…”

The dark Saber prepared to swing the sacred sword, which had started to generate a towering torrent of darkness. 

**“Excalibur….Morgan!”**

Mash immediately slammed down her shield, generating her projected shield of light. “Unleash the Noble Phantasm…”

**“Lord Chaldeas!”**

The current of darkness collided against her shield of light, and the impact was absolutely blinding.

“Aaaaaugh!”

Someone put a hand on Mash’s shoulder. It was warm, tender, like an old friend’s. “Keep going, Miss Mash. Don’t give up on your shield! I believe in you. And I bet everyone else does too!” Light shone within Mash’s eyes, and she held up her shield with renewed vigor.

Gareth got into a position to run, readying her lance. “For the sake of my newfound friends, and my own resolve.”

Her lance began to glow an electric blue, and its aura twisted around like a horizontal funnel. “I don’t exactly understand Your Majesty’s intentions, but…”

She charged out of Mash’s protective field, surging past the current of Excalibur Morgan’s power. Like the lance she wielded, the Maiden Wolf pierced through the mana-charged air, never losing its speed.

“Hurting them is out of the question! I cannot take your side if you choose to hurt innocents, no matter what your goal is!”

The blackened king glared at the incoming blue missile. “Such insolence.” She prepared another swing, heavily charged with miasma. Her unforgiving golden eyes met unflinching green ones once more. 

With a final thrust, Gareth gave all the energy she could to her Noble Phantasm.

“Haaaaaauughh! Rampaging Maiden Wooolf!”

And the chamber shook violently, making even the onlookers fall to their knees. When the smoke cleared, Gareth was leaning on her lance for support, her armor dull and slightly dented.

Saber had been knocked a few feet back, breathing heavily. She jerked her head towards Gareth. “That’s it.”

With incredible speed, the dark Saber practically flew towards the unprepared Lancer with an explosive burst of mana. A flurry of sword strokes followed, and poor Gareth had little to no time to grab her lance and use her shield to defend herself.

“Lancer!” cried Ryuuto, who barely managed to stand up. The battle wasn’t going well anymore! He looked around and frowned. “Seriously? How am I the only one standing?!”

Mash had been blown back and had crashed on top of Naughty. He...didn’t seem to mind that one bit, though. “Heh...you’re pretty _morbido_ despite the armor you have on, Mash...this isn’t bad at all.”

“I’m not sure this is the best time to say that, Master…” Mash was embarrassed and blushing, but grateful that he had cushioned her fall.

The Director grumbled something and conjured up another magic barrier, and both Chiaki and Alpha just lied on the ground, down for the count.

Well, crap. Looks like things were going downhill from here.

* * *

“Well done, mage of the light. Who knew you could actually defeat me one-on-one...”

The shadow archer sighed in defeat and began to disintegrate into dust. After many arrow volleys, rune casting, snarky quips, playing with physics via runes, and more explosions than a Michael Bay film, the two long-range fighters ended their battle with Caster roasting Archer with an especially powerful fire rune.

“That’s all you’ll get from me. It’s time for you to take a hike...” Caster stepped away from where Archer once stood and felt the tug of a Command Seal, urging him to arrive at his Master’s side.

“...and time for me to help that young lady defeat the Sacred Sword.” With a flash of golden light, the blue Caster vanished, hoping for the best.

Except when he arrived, the sight was less fortuitous than he had hoped. The Saber had apparently caused a tantrum so wide, only the Lancer’s Master was standing. What bad luck, he was going to get bisected by Excalibur at point blank!

Caster sighed. Looks like he would have to lend a hand. His own master stared at him from the ground, along with her spineless friend. “Hey Caster, you came! We’re in a pinch, though…” She sat up, looking at Saber, who was frozen in mid-attack. Was she surprised by the arrival of Caster, or was she waiting for something? Chiaki couldn’t tell, but this sure was a good thing!

“Hey Miss King of Knights! Is talking a free action?” Chiaki yelled loudly, and the person in question gave her a look to rival Alpha’s dead-inside stare.

With a mighty, angry inhale, Saber’s Excalibur Morgan grew impossibly taller, its energy plume grazing the cavern ceiling.

Ryuuto groaned. “What the hell? You just provoked her! Now she’s really going to kill us dead!” Gareth was still down, and she looked too spent to continue. 

From the ground, Alpha sleepily murmured “We’re doomed.”

Nearby, Naughty tried to stifle a laugh. And maybe it was because Mash’s soft chest was still smothering his head, or maybe it was the flubbing of Ryuuto’s statement, but the Italian Master suddenly got an idea.

“Hey Mash?” Naughty looked at his hand. Three red command seals shimmering. If Chiaki was able to get Caster over here, then maybe...

“Yes?”

“As much as I’m loving this position I’m in, you have to get up. I want you to take on Saber's attack again. And…” A Command Seal started to glow. “I’ll lend you my strength. Now go!”

Both Master and Servant got up with fresh motivation, placing themselves in front of the blast zone.

“Here she comes!”

For the third time, Saber fired her destructive sword of darkness, creating a tidal wave of miasma. With a deafening whoosh, it collided against Mash’s Lord Chaldeas, which had upgraded from a mere projection of Mash’s shield to a mini castle wall of marble.

“Aaaaaugh!” 

Mash strained to keep her shield up. This had to be the strongest attack Saber was capable of! If she could just hold on a little longer, it would end. It had to end, or else everyone would disappear. That wasn’t an option. 

Someone else was holding the shield up with her.

By her side was Naughty, who was sharing the weight of her shield. For a human, her shield must have felt like a ton of metal, but he only let a little of the strain show on his face.

“We’re not going to lose here. Because I...Naughty....have a dream!”

Did those words sound stupid, or inspiring? Did they sound familiar, too? Everyone has a dream, and Naughty affirming his in a moment of crisis felt...like a mix of both. But Ryuuto was not about to let Naughty and Mash be the only heroes here.

“Gareth, by my Command Seal, I want you to stand up again. We’re going to help, too!”

The little lancer felt the rush of energy come in from her Master, and slowly got up. Her eyes were determined, and her lance started to glow a bright blue.

“Yahoo!!” 

Ryuuto turned around to see...Wicker Man? In all of his straw-basket glory, slowly rising out of the ground with an excited Chiaki jumping and waving nearby. Caster was focused on maintaining his spell, hockey stick raised and chanting. Close by, the Director was watching everything with her mouth open in shock. Was she shocked by the sheer amount of Noble Phantasms being unleashed, or that the rookies might actually win? 

Meanwhile, Mash’s Noble Phantasm shield was beginning to deteriorate. “Hey guys, you might wanna go attack Saber right now!” Naughty yelled, and Gareth got ready to run again.

Wicker man began to stomp past the Shielder. He waded through the remnants of Excalibur Morgan, burning with giant flames. Saber started to prepare another attack, but a blue blur of light slammed into her, pinning the king of knights to the ground.

“So this is how it ends.” mused Saber, struggling to remove Gareth’s massive lance as Wicker Man’s giant palm raised them both into the air. The little Lancer hopped off with one last look at her former liege, and used her shield to hit the ground.

Wicker Man crushed the dark Saber within his palm with impunity. And with a terrific burst of flames, the giant straw man dissipated, leaving an even more blackened Saber leaning on her sword.

Her pale face looked at the group with begrudging respect. “My hand must have stayed at the last moment. But...to take on so many Noble Phantasms...feels like overkill…”

She started to dissolve into golden sparkles of light. “I was going to defend the Holy Grail to the very end, but I lost because my tenacity wavered." She sighed, defeated. " Ultimately, no matter how my fate changes, I will always meet the same end if I'm alone. ”

“Saber…” Ryuuto said, suddenly feeling sympathy for the enemy. Maybe she was alone in the Grail War, doing something no one could understand.

“What’s that supposed to mean? Bastard, what do you know?” Caster frowned.

She scoffed. “Don’t feel pity for me.” She looked at the blue sage. “Eventually, you will realize it too, Irish child of light.” She was halfway gone now, the golden sparkles contrasting her dark armor.

Caster looked down to realize he was also emanating golden sparkles, and rapidly too. “Wait, I’m disappearing too? Dammit, I don’t like this.” He turned to face Chiaki. “I’m leaving the rest to you, lass. You’re silly, but you’ve got a good head on your shoulders.” 

Chiaki laughed, but her smile fell into sadness. “Will I see you again?”

Caster chuckled. “Who knows? But next time, summon me as a Lancer, OK?” And with that, he vanished. Chiaki smiled, her eyes sparkling with premature tears. Oh, how she hated goodbyes.

Saber’s head was the only thing left, and she stared at the Director. “Grand Order. The battle to obtain the Holy Grail. It has just begun.” She closed her eyes, and soon Saber dissipated into ethereal golden light.

Mash pulled up the hologram for Chaldea communications with Naughty standing nearby. “Confirming that both Saber and Caster have vanished.” She paused, looking at the silent cavern. “Does that mean we won?”

“Yes, you did a fine job Mash, and everyone! The Director must be so pleased...hey, where did she go?”

The woman in question was staring at the spot where Saber had vanished. “Grand Order...how did that Servant know that name?”

“Hey, um, Ma’am? We won, right? We can breathe easy now, right?” Chiaki walked up to the Director, hoping for words of encouragement.

“Huh? O-Oh, right. Well done Mash, Ryuuto, Naughty, Chiaki, and Alpha. Several points are unclear, but let's call this mission complete.” She looked once more, noticing a shining yellow point glimmering on the ground.

“First, let's retrieve that crystal. It's most likely the reason Saber became abnormal…and clearly why Fuyuki City became a singularity.”

Mash nodded, and made her way to the crystal. “Yes. An immediate retrieval-” Suddenly the yellow shard flared up with a bright light, causing Mash to back up to the rest of the group. “What the-?”

“Well, I didn't expect you'd get this far. Truly, this was beyond my plan's expectations and my own tolerances.” A mysterious voice came from the light, and the shadow of a man started to form.

“Hey! It’s the nice green man from earlier in Chaldea!” Chiaki said, realization suddenly striking her. " Wait a minute, how did he get here?"

The man chuckled, though his eyes were closed. “Master Candidates #45 to #48. It was my mistake to naively overlook you all as improbable children.”

“Professor Lev?” Mash stared in surprise.  “Professor Lev, you say? He's there?” Dr. Roman spoke from the hologram. Even he had a shocked look on his face.

“Hm, is that Romani I hear? So, you survived as well.” Again, that man was smiling with his eyes closed. 

"Hey guys? Something doesn't feel right." Alpha mumbled. It felt definitely shady, but everyone was talking like nothing bad was about to happen. 

“I told you to come to the command room immediately, but it seems you didn't listen.” The professor shook his head. “Honestly…”

He opened his eyes and damn, did he look fish-eyed! “You are like trash who can't even follow orders. Just the mere sight of it makes me want to throw up.” His teeth looked ridiculously sharp, like daggers. “Why is it that humans always try to avoid their  preordained destinies?”

"Master, fall back! Everyone fall back, please! That person is dangerous... Th...That isn't the Professor Lev we know!" Mash immediately placed herself between the green man and everyone else. Gareth followed suit, making sure her lance was ready to protect the group.

“Lev... Oh, Lev! Lev! You're alive! Thank goodness! Without you, I don't know how I could protect Chaldea!” The Director started to make her way towards the man, but Mash and Gareth held her back.

“Director don't! That man is not who we think he is!” The Director struggled to get closer, but one look at her restrainers made her stop.

Lev spoke, as if nothing had happened. “Hi, Olga. You seem well. Looks like you had a rough time, too.”

The Director smiled in relief, and her tone was the most optimistic anyone had heard in all their time in Fuyuki. “Yes, yes, that's right, Lev! The command room blew up, the city's in ruins, and I can't return to Chaldea! I'm going crazy from all these unforeseen complications! But it‘s okay, as long as you're here we'll be fine, right?”

The professor simply smiled with those wicked teeth. Was Olga Marie really so blinded by her mentor to not notice?

“That's how it's always been, right? You‘ll help me this time too, won't you?”

Lev nodded. “Yes, of course. Honestly, all these complications have irritated me.”

“And the biggest complication is you, Olga. I set the bomb right under your feet, yet you still live.”

Everyone gasped. “Whaaaat?!” Ryuuto stared at the man in disbelief. “So then, that explosion we heard before coming here- it was on purpose?”

Naughty glared at the professor. “And you placed the bomb on the Director?”

The woman was starting to realize her blind devotion was shattering into a harsh reality. “...L-Lev? Um, wh-what's that supposed to mean?”

If it was possible, Lev’s smile grew even wider. “Sorry, you're not actually alive. You're already dead. Your body, at least, long ago.”

“You had no aptitude for Rayshift while alive, right? You can't teleport while you have a physical body.” He laughed. “Do you understand? You only gained the aptitude you so desired after you died. That's why you can't return to Chaldea. The moment you do, your consciousness will vanish.” 

The background behind him tore open like paper, revealing the command room of Chaldea. The globe was just how the group left it: bright red, with the surroundings in ruins. But there were a few people on computers scrambling to do calculations. Dr. Roman was near the front, but he didn’t seem to notice the sudden break in reality.

The Director had a look of pure disbelief. “Wh-What is that? Chaldeas is bright red? It's a lie, right? It's just an illusion, right, Lev?”

The four Masters and Mash had faces of despair. Lev noticed this and smirked. “It's all real. I've connected the dimensions for you. Having the Holy Grail allows me to do so.”

“Now behold, descendant of Animusphere. Behold your folly! Not a sliver of blue representing human survival remains!”

“Nothing but a burning, bright, red.” Alpha said in despair. Chiaki looked at him with concern.

“That is the outcome of this mission. Isn't it wonderful, Marie? Once again, your incompetence has brought forth tragedy!” Lev laughed and laughed, causing the Director to grow flustered and angry.

“Don't-Don't be absurd! I'm not responsible! I didn't fail! I'm not dead!” She stomped her foot in the ground, much like a child in a tantrum. “Who are you? What have you done to my Chaldeas?!”

Lev stopped laughing and gave her a look of annoyance. “It isn't "yours." Honestly, what an annoying girl you are!” He clenched his hand into a fist, and suddenly the Director began moving towards the man without any restraint.

“Wha... Something's pulling my body across space-” Almost instinctively, Ryuuto grabbed an arm...and Naughty grabbed onto her torso. For now, the poor woman was at a stalemate in this game of tug of war, even if she swore one of her protectors was touching her somewhere funny.

“I told you. That place is now connected with Chaldea.” Lev pulled harder with magic, and the Director began moving towards the tear in space again.

“Not on my watch!” Chiaki grabbed onto a free arm. Alpha supported Ryuuto, and the Director stopped moving again. Mash and Gareth came closer to the cluster, just in case more help was going to be needed.

“I could kill you now, but there's no grace to that. I will grant you your final wish, instead.” Lev looked at the group, and an idea dawned on his head. “Actually, you all can join her in laying hands on Olga Marie’s greatest treasure!”

The man in green raised his fist high, and everyone attached to the Director flew up in the air, on a collision course with the flaming red globe within Chaldea.

With a squeak of panic, Chiaki immediately let go and fell, only to be caught by Gareth. “Thank goodness...you were almost a goner, miss!”

“Everyone!” Mash grabbed a dangling leg, and pulled. “It’s not worth it! I know you want to save her, but you’ll all die the same way if you stay!”

The Director was panicking. “No, stop, Lev please! You plan on throwing me into Chaldeas? A high-density body of data? A territory of dimensional anomaly?”

Lev smiled. “Yes. It’s no different from a black hole, or perhaps a sun. Well, either way...a human touching it would be a hellish disintegration on the molecular level. By all means, have a taste of infinite living death!”

That triggered panic. “No, no, no! Someone help me! Help! l...l don't want to die here! Because I've never been praised...I've never been praised by anyone!”

Mash and Gareth managed to pull down Naughty and Ryuuto, but Alpha was dangling by himself on the foot of the Director. 

“Get down Alpha!” Chiaki yelled, an arm reaching out uselessly. “You’re going to die if you keep holding on!” But Alpha wasn’t listening. He just stared dully at the Director, who kept crying out for salvation. 

What a mess he was in. If he stayed, he would join the Director in her trip to the reactor. If he dropped now, he would fall and probably break his body on the ground below. Gravity wasn’t strong enough to make him let go, though. He honestly couldn’t bring himself to just drop, either. What was the point? Death was coming for him, either way. So he might as well keep the Director company.

_ It was all so hopeless. _

“Why?" The Director screamed in anguish. "Why does this always happen to me!?” The two were nearing the reactor...

“No one ever valued me! Everyone hated me!” The Director kept wailing. It was honestly too hard to look, so Chiaki closed her eyes and tried to ignore the image of the two floating to their doom.

Chaldeas got nearer, and both of them were starting to feel the intense heat of the reactor. The Director’s eyes widened in horror.

“No! Stop! No, no, no, no, no...l haven't even accomplished anything yet! From the moment I was born, I've never been accepted by anyone!” She looked at the idiot still hanging on her foot. “And you! What do you think you’re doing?! I may be a goner, but I’m not taking someone with me!”

With her free foot and some magical assistance, the Director kicked Alpha squarely in the stomach. He gasped as all the air left his body and lost his grip on the woman's foot. The kick sent him right back to the cavern, launching him safely out of the warped reality hole and away from Chaldeas.

Unfortunately, that was the last thing Olga Marie Animusphere would ever accomplish. She screamed as her family’s greatest achievement swallowed her whole, incinerating what was left of her soul and exiling the poor Director to an eternal prison of suffering.

Ryuuto and Naughty watched in horror while Chiaki started to cry. 

Lev watched the spectacle with an amused look. “Oh? Impressive, for a failure like you. Even when you face death, you still have the mercy to spare others from your fate.”

“I thought she was your friend, or that you were her mentor! What was that for?” snapped Ryuuto, trying to get the screams of the Director out of his head. “Stop.” Chiaki sobbed. “Please, just stop.” It was so hard to focus. It was so hard to think of the next action to take when so much was happening. 

Lev turned to face the survivors. “Shall I reintroduce myself? My name is Lev Lainur Flauros…” He raised the tip of his hat to show off his disturbing fish-eyes, a mockery of a greeting.

“...ln charge of the year 2018, and sent to dispose of you humans. Are you listening, Dr. Romani? As a friend who studied magecraft with you, let me give you some final advice.”

He decided to show his shark teeth again. Jesus, he really looked like a demon. “Chaldea is finished. You humans have reached the moment of your destruction.”

He said more, but Chiaki wasn’t listening. Through tear-filled eyes, she walked towards Alpha’s crash-landing site, hoping the poor guy was alright. 

That bastard professor continued speaking, but Ryuuto was having none of it. He joined Chiaki in checking out Alpha, who was lying on the cold hard ground, unconscious. He was finally in the blissful void he craved so much, but to his new acquaintances, he looked pretty dead.

“Hey Ryuuto? He’s not dead, right?” Chiaki checked for a pulse. Thankfully, one was present. “That was a pretty nasty fall…but he’s ok. I think. I don't see any arms or legs in funny angles...he's lucky." He sighed in relief and helped Chiaki to get the fainted young man to lean on their shoulders. Alpha's bag dangled loosely from his arm, prompting Ryuuto to grab it himself.

Naughty yawned as the evil man and the doctor were bickering about the end of human history. He would have moved, but Romani was using his bracelet to project the hologram and...well, here he was, playing the internet service provider. As if in mercy for the Italian, the cavern started to rumble. 

Lev groaned. “Is this singularity at its limit? Cursed Saber. If you'd just obeyed, you would have been allowed to live. Even when given the Holy Grail, she caused trouble by wanting to sustain this era.” 

“Hey!” said Naughty. “At least Saber wasn’t going to end the world.”

The man in green glared at the group. “Well, no matter. Farewell, Romani. And you Mash, and you, Master Candidates. Believe it or not, l have other things to do. My enjoyment of your destruction ends here.” He started to shimmer, and the dimension behind him vanished. The rumbling got louder, and it was getting hard to stay balanced.

“Now, be swallowed by the dimensional warp! But I'm not that evil, I'll allow you to say a final prayer.” And with that, Lev Lainur Flauros vanished in a flash of light. Only a shimmering object remained, and it fell with a clink to the ground.

“The underground cavern's collapsing! No wait, the cavern wasn't stable in the first place! Doctor! Perform an emergency Rayshift! At any rate, we can still escape!” Mash and Gareth took out their shields and started deflecting the falling stalactites. Naughty snuck through the rain of rocks and nabbed the fallen object, not caring what it was. He just had a hunch that it looked important.

From Naughty's bracelet, audio came through. “Understood! I'm already doing it! But I'm sorry, it may collapse faster than I can fix it! If it does, then do what you can on your side! I mean, we can survive in space for a few dozen seconds, right?”

“A few seconds?!” spluttered Chiaki. “We’re gonna be in space?!” She started getting jittery, but couldn't do much in her position.

“Sorry, but please shut up! I'm so mad, I'm about to lose my cool!” Mash glared at the doctor’s glitchy projection as he was frantically typing on his computer.

“Just hang on to your consciousness! If we don't lose that, I might salvage something-” The connection cut off, and the very roof of the cavern started to fall. 

“We won't make it! Everyone, grab on to each other!” Like a human chain, Mash held on to Gareth, who held onto Chiaki, who Alpha was leaning on alongside Ryuuto, and Naughty just held Mash’s other hand.

For a moment, through the collapsing rock, a peek of the flame-colored sky shone through. 

And then a burst of black, white and blue light roared to life, and everyone lost consciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 4th of July...I declare myself free from the tutorial stage. It's been a wild ride from start to finish, and I had a lot more delays than I was expecting. Congratulations! The 4 Stooges have ascended past newbie tier and have climbed the metaphorical ladder to the next rung! Today's useless trivia is...weaknesses!  
> Chiaki is weak to deadlines and Ryuuto falls to slow updates. Naughty can't eat fruits or he dies, and Alpha can't handle being alive.
> 
> For the next episode, unfamiliar ceilings and everyone experiences the joy of gacha. They need a break after the hellfire tutorial land. Speaking of gacha, the GSSR is almost here for NA! I'm going to test my luck with Sabers. Though I hear with Extra, you can't really go wrong.


	6. Grand Order, part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Returning from Fuyuki, our heroes take some time to settle down, and suddenly get roped into a world-saving scheme. But fear not! Accompanying them are loyal partners, Heroic Spirits who answered their pleas of assistance...no matter how far-fetched they seem to be.

**Grand Order, part 2**

“Hmm, aren’t you a good boy. Do you prefer nuts? Or perhaps fish?”

“Fou, kyu, kyu…”

“I’m not sure whether you’re a cat or a rabbit but in any case, you are quite cute!”

Naughty heard a lovely, but unfamiliar voice guide him out of the land of dreams. He had a weird one recently, where he landed in hell with some people and had to battle a bunch of skeletons. Oh, but he had a cute eggplant girl as a partner! She had the softest chest ever… and her outfit was revealing, but super hot! And it turned out the final boss, King Arthur, was a beautiful blonde woman...and then some actual demon came over to ruin the battle...and then it all went black. But now, he could feel the softness of a bed underneath him. Naughty stirred awake slowly, barely making out a figure above him.

“Hm? Ah, the hero has awakened. There, that’s how a main character should be.”

Main Character? Was he in one of those Isekai anime shows? Was he actually dead? He blinked a few times to adjust to the bright light and a gorgeous sight greeted him. Observing the lucky guy was a woman with sparkling blue eyes and silky locks of brown hair that framed her face, much like a fancy border on a painting. There was a knowing smile on her face, a subtle hint of smugness, but not quite a full on smirk. 

Naughty felt blessed to be in this woman’s presence. If this was heaven, then he was all in for it! She looked just like a certain portrait, but in the flesh. The one that came to mind was-

“The Mona Lisa…”

The woman suppressed a laugh, but her eyes twinkled. “Good morning Naughty. Are you conscious now?”

“The Mona Lisa is talking to me… _che bella vista._ ” The words slipped out of Naughty’s mouth without hesitation, he was still not fully awake yet.

“Oho! Well, I see you aren’t thinking straight. Are you shocked at the sight of such a beauty?” Naughty mumbled something in Italian, and again the woman made that smile. “I see, I’m used to it. But how interesting, to meet someone who hails from the same country as me!”

She made that charming smile again. “My name is Da Vinci, a collaborator of Chaldea. I am also the third Heroic Spirit summoned here.”

Naughty stared at Da Vinci. He knew his history, but to think the acclaimed Renaissance artist was actually a woman? Something was definitely not historically accurate, but at the same time something was definitely right with the world.

“Oh, is Naughty awake? Finally!” Chiaki’s voice suddenly interrupted the two, coming from the doorway. Her head peeked into the room, followed by two others. Naughty internally cursed their presence. He was finally alone with a beautiful woman and these nitwits had the audacity to interrupt his moment!

Da Vinci turned to face the newcomers. “Well then, now that everyone is awake, let’s all head to the Command Room. There are people waiting, after all.”

* * *

Upon entering, Mash, Gareth, and Dr. Roman were waiting inside. Everyone sat down on the floor, now cleaner since the horrific explosion that had taken place some time ago. Instead of the alarming red color, the room was now a calm, deep blue. 

“Good morning, everyone.” Mash said with a small smile. “I’m glad to see that everyone’s ok.”

“I’m glad to see you are well, Master!” said Gareth, looking chipper as always. She scooted next to Ryuuto, who had a tight smile on his face. “Nice to see you too, Gareth.”

“Ahem.” Everyone turned to face Dr. Roman, who was motioning everyone to come closer. “I hate to interrupt the reunions, but there are some things we need to discuss first.” 

“First of all, I want to congratulate you all for completing the mission and surviving. You all were thrust into the situation by surprise, but bravely faced the challenges. I truly respect that. Thanks to your actions, Mash and Chaldea were saved.”

“But what about the Director? If we survived, maybe she...” Chiaki’s voice trailed off into silence. No one else dared to speak lest they remember the tragedy.

It was like that for a while until the Doctor spoke again. “Listen. We must defend Humanity in her stead. That is how we will pay her tribute.”

“I got a report from Mash about the crystal, and what Lev said. It’s bad news, but it’s all true: Chaldea has been isolated from the rest of humanity’s timeline, much like a colony floating in space. As such, we can’t contact the outside world.”

Chiaki put her hands to her mouth while Ryuuto looked perplexed. “So we can’t even call someone outside?” asked Ryuuto.

“That’s right.” said Da Vinci, a sad smile on her face. Chiaki looked crestfallen as she lowered her hands. “I can’t even call my parents.” She shakily exhaled. “They’re all gone…” Gareth came over and put a hand on her shoulder, a silent gesture of sympathy. Chiaki tried not to cry.

“Wait, so is there any good news that came out of this?” Alpha looked skeptical, as if he already had an idea of what the answer would be.

“The good news is you all took down the Singularity located on Chaldeas, and survived. Roman’s smile turned grim. “But there are more of them. We’re working on locating the irregular points, so it’s in your best interest to rest before we track the next one.”

“That’s not exactly good news then. We basically opened a new can of worms.” Alpha mumbled. 

“So is there something we can do about this?” Despite everything, Ryuuto looked for hope in the faces of the Chaldea employees. 

“There has to be something, _si_? If you look at our status, we’re basically the only survivors.” Naughty quipped, but he was looking more at the beautiful Renaissance woman. If worst came to worst, he could always flirt and go out with a bang...

Dr. Roman looked at each of the rookies. They were definitely not the team anyone was planning on sending for these missions. But nobody more capable was left.

“So here's the deal. You all will Rayshift into these singularities and get history back on track. It's the only way to save humanity.” 

He took a deep breath. “However we are still powerless. All other Master candidates are frozen, so you novices are all that’s left. I realize you're being forced into this situation. Even so, I'll still say it.”

“Master Candidates. If you wish to save humanity… If you wish to have a future beyond 2018. Then you all must go and face these singularities in human history. Are you prepared to do this? Can you shoulder the burden of Chaldea and humanity's future?”

“Of course.” said Ryuuto with no hesitation.

“If it’s something I can do…” Naughty said, with a hint of sleaziness to it.

“Why not?” Alpha shrugged, finding this as the perfect opportunity to go big or die trying.

“Chiaki?” inquired Mash, who looked at the girl with gentle concern.

Though tears glistened in her eyes and threatened to spill, Chiaki gave a silent, slow nod.

The Doctor gave a tiny smile of gratitude before he got serious. “With that, our fate has been decided. We will now carry out the Preservation of Humanity as laid out by Olga Marie Animusphere, former director of Chaldea.”

“Our objective is the protection and recovery of human history. Our search target will be each era's relic and Grail. Our opponent is history itself. Many great Heroic Spirits and legends will stand against you. Challenging them is an act of blasphemy against the past. To save humanity, we must defy human history. But this is the only way to survive. No, the only way to take back the future....No matter what sort of end awaits us. To reflect our determination, we shall abandon the original mission name, First Order.”

**“** This is now Chaldea's last yet original mission: The Grand Order! In the name of the magical world's highest order....”

“We will take back the future!”

* * *

After a few hours of rest, the group of rookies found themselves huddled around Chaldea’s summoning circle. Da Vinci explained how the circle worked exactly like the makeshift one in Fuyuki, only that this one had a pretty low level of success.

“Although it’s true this summoning circle hasn’t been very successful, each of you are going to try it. After all, the more allies we get, the better.” She said with a wink. “Now then...Naughty. You’re up first!”

The Italian Master grinned, and quickly stepped up to the circle. “So how do I start this thing?”

“Just focus your attention on the circle, and think about something you want. Concentration is all that’s needed, so don’t try to overthink things.” Da Vinci said with an instructive tone.

Well, that was simple enough. Naughty closed his eyes and began to think. A beautiful woman, a powerful woman, someone who could probably both scare and arouse him. Yeah, that was all he needed…

The circle began to spin with a faint golden glow. It grew brighter, and soon the whole room was enveloped in a flash of blinding light. 

“I am the Demon Archer Nobunaga, the Demon King of the Sixth Heaven!”

The light dimmed, and a petite lady dressed in black militaristic clothes emerged from the circle, crimson cape fluttering behind her. Her red eyes blazed like embers and she had a sheathed katana at her hip. With a cocky smile, she bore down her gaze at her Master.

Naughty raised his eyebrows and his mouth fell open. “Whooooaaaa…”

The little warlord gave a hearty laugh. “Mwahahaha! You must be so overwhelmed by my majestic presence that you had no words to say!”

“Oh, I do.” Naughty composed himself, and gave Nobunaga his best smirk. “I look forward to working with you, O Great Demon Archer." He held out a hand to the Heroic Spirit.

“Very well…if only because you have given me the praise I deserve.” The Demon Archer graced Naughty with an equally devious grin. “I will allow you to be my Master!” 

They aggressively shook hands, and began to have an intense staring contest. Neither one backed down, a silent fight between two forces of confidence. 

“No frickin’ way! Is that the Japanese warlord Oda Nobunaga?! The one from the Bakumatsu period?” Chiaki whispered in disbelief. “Nuh uh, no way. You were a woman as well? I’m gonna fall over…”

Alpha looked at her in confusion. “How do you know this stuff?”

Chiaki grinned sheepishly. “I read a lot of things for fun. Y’know, novels, newspapers, magazines, textbooks, manga, recipes, Wikipedia articles, Terms and Conditions, warning labels on boxes…”

“The telephone book?”

Chiaki pouted. “No, anything but that.”

And that’s when Da Vinci stepped in.“Alright you two, step aside. It’s time for someone else.” The woman looked at the remaining three Masters. “Who’s next?”

“I’ll go.” said Ryuuto, and he made his way to the circle.

When the brunette stepped towards the summoning platform, he thought back to the burning city. That dark swordsman was surely a hero too, right? Someone like her by his side would be ideal. So he concentrated, picturing that swordswoman with the stone-cold face, those pale eyes, and the blond hair.

The circle lit up in a flash of bright rainbow light and started to spin.

"Whoa! So many pretty colors...I got a good feeling about this one!" Chiaki chirped.

"Too bright, too bright!" Ryuuto backed up, only to fall backwards and land on his butt.

The light finally dimmed, and a figure emerged from the circle. It was a woman with blonde hair tied with a black bow. She had pink clothes that looked of asian design and a katana by her side.

“I've arrived! The Shinsengumi's First Unit Captain, Okita Souji!" She looked down at Ryuuto, a stern yet earnest look in her eyes.

“Are you my Master?”

From the ground, Ryuuto gaped in awe and nodded. _This is totally happening! It’s not a dream at all!_

But wait! 

Ryuuto recovered from his moment of shock and narrowed his eyes, looking at the swordswoman closely. “You said you were Okita Souji? The famous Japanese swordsma-ster of the Shinsengumi?” He had to stop himself from accidentally calling her a man. 

“Where’s your haori?” He asked.

Okita made a faint blush. “My haori? I must have misplaced it somewhere...“

_I can’t believe it,_ Ryuuto thought to himself. _It’s the real deal._

“So I take it you’re of the Saber class?” he inquired, smiling at his new partner.

“That’s right! I, Okita, am most definitely of the-” all of a sudden she coughed violently, blood coming out of her mouth. Ryuuto came closer, showing concern, but the Saber gave him a look of reassurance. 

“That’s right…” Chiaki sighed. “Okita Souji was also known for having tuberculosis. How unfortunate! But I guess history is right in some things.”

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the Manslayer herself.” Nobunaga stepped forward to size up the bloody Saber. “I see your Master already took a liking to you.” She suddenly materialized a rifle. “Would be a shame if I blew off that pretty little head of his!”

Okita wiped off blood from her mouth and got into an offensive stance. “As if I’d let you just do that!”

The Demon Archer gave a hearty laugh. “We shall soon see!”

“Ah, Master! Stay back from those two!” Gareth popped out of nowhere, placing herself in front of Ryuuto to defend him from being hit.

“Are they going to fight right here?” Alpha asked, a tiny concern in his head that he may end up as collateral damage.

“They will not.” Da Vinci swung down her staff to the ground, alerting the fighting party of five. “If you are going to fight, at least wait until we are done here. This room isn’t fit for any more damage.” After some grumbling, everyone settled down.

The Renaissance woman had a point. Though the magic circle looked fine, the surrounding walls still bore the scars from the bombing. 

“Um Alpha, you can go ahead.” Chiaki stared intensely at the swordswoman, then to Naughty’s new partner, and finally to Alpha. “But I swear, if you happen to bring out another historical figure and he...or she...isn’t historically accurate, I think I’m going to lose my head!”

Alpha sighed. “You need to chill, mate.” But deep inside, he wondered who would answer a nobody like him.

“I can’t! My entire understanding of the world is at stake!” the exasperated Master said, waving her hands in the air wildly.

Alpha ignored that and stepped forward to the circle. Almost immediately it began to spin. The light flashed, and a tiny figure cloaked in black emerged from the circle. 

“Assassin, Jack the Ripper.” 

It was a child. Her eyes were a lifeless green, and her snow-white hair framed a scarred face. She stepped quietly towards Alpha, who did not know how to react to summoning a child.

“Are you Mommy?”

“Yes.” Alpha responded gently, actually showing some...emotion? The other Masters shared a look of confusion. Their looks grew even more baffled when he scooped up the little girl, who clinged onto him like a life preserver. “Please take care of us, Mommy.” Jack murmured, snuggling up to him.

Alpha gave a look to the people watching him. It was the face of someone who had won the lottery, the world, and everything in it.

“Ehh?! That little girl is a serial killer?” Chiaki looked at the pair with huge concern. “But can serial killers be heroes?” 

“I think the bigger problem is that face he’s giving the little _ragazza._ He looks way too happy to have her in his arms.” Naughty said. 

Nobunaga scoffed. “If the Manslayer is here, it’s perfectly possible to summon serial killers!” 

“Hey! You’re not exactly clean-handed either!” Okita pouted and gave the warlord a look.

“Assassin is what we classify as an anti-hero. They are people who left marks on history, but instead of heroic feats that people would cherish as legends and stories, they left fear and a sense of dread.” Da Vinci explained. 

“So heroes and anti-heroes are like two sides of a coin. I see.” Ryuuto said thoughtfully.

“Okay! We are just about done, so Chiaki, it’s time for you to use the summoning circle!” The Renaissance woman motioned for the girl to step onto the platform.

With fear and nervous energy, Chiaki shuffled to the magic circle. Suddenly random inspiration struck her, and a thought popped into her head. A thought for someone strong, someone fast, somebody larger than life.

_I need a hero!_

She cursed herself for thinking of that stupid song and shook her head, but the circle was already spinning and the light was golden and blinding and oh god oh fu-

"▂▂▃▃▄▄▅▅!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!”

A loud yell rang through Chiaki’s ears, accompanied by some horrific shrieking. It took a while for the young woman to register that the screaming was coming from her. Chiaki gradually calmed herself down, opened her eyes, and stared at the figure who answered her calling.

He was large, dark, and humanoid. Chiaki all of a sudden felt very conscious about her short height. He was clad in some armor and furs, and wielded a sword that looked like it came straight from a rock. But the most eye-catching feature was his hair. It fluidly moved, putting models from hair product commercials to shame.

Chiaki felt mental static in trying to come up with a greeting and settled with awkwardly waving hello.

"▂▂▃▃▄▄▅▅!” 

“Uhuh…” Chiaki nodded, then turned to face the group with a look of confusion and “help me!”.

“I see. You somehow summoned a Berserker, Chiaki. As for his true name…” Da Vinci inspected the tall Heroic Spirit. “I would say it is Heracles, the Greek Hero of the Twelve Labors.”

Chiaki started to look pale. “THAT Heracles?!” She looked at the Berserker, who was now silent. “That’s...amazing! Finally, a hero who isn’t too far off from what I imagined!” She laughed cheerfully, but she started to feel a little weak.

The young lady dizzily stepped out of the magic circle, her enormous partner following her down. “Are summoning rituals…” she huffed. “Supposed to be this draining?”

“Not exactly, but I suppose it’s due to the strain of summoning a Berserker.” The Renaissance woman helped Chiaki stand properly. “The FATE system does most of the heavy lifting, but for a newbie like you, the initial activation of magical circuits might cause you to feel more tired than usual.”

“Huh...figures…” Chiaki leaned on Heracles for support. 

“Don’t worry. Give yourself some rest and you’ll be back on your feet in no time!”

Suddenly, Chiaki’s stomach grumbled loudly. “Hey...I’ve been meaning to ask, but is there a cafeteria here?”

Mash’s face lit up. “We do! I’ll show you all right away.”

And so everyone big and small left the summoning circle. Along the way, there was bickering and a fight almost broke out between the Japanese servants and their Masters. Chiaki sighed and threatened to stop them with Heracles, which earned some remarks from Nobunaga but they ultimately calmed down. As for Alpha, he contentedly held onto the tiny Assassin. He may have only known her for a few minutes, but she was all that mattered.

A random staff member watched the group walk by, and wondered if he was seeing things. After all, he was only here to do some technical work in the facility, and wasn’t expecting to actually run into the people directly associated with the mission. Although, that little girl who was holding onto the blonde guy’s hand was simply adorable, if a little creepy. Were children allowed here? He shrugged and kept to himself. 

* * *

“I don’t believe it. First there was a bombing, then an evacuation, the kitchen is in shambles, and I’m still expected to do my job?!”

The man behind the counter gave a disappointed look at his new clients. He wore typical Chaldea staff attire and a chef’s hat over his black hair, so he must be the cook. 

Da Vinci had left for another area, saying she had some business to attend to. So with that, Mash, the Masters, and their Servants had to deal with the cafeteria themselves.

“Well fine. I’ve never seen such a sorry band of misfits in this place since I’ve been hired.”

“Hey Mash, is this guy usually this cranky?” whispered Ryuuto. 

“Well...the rest of the staff usually complains about his lack of variety. He is really into pasta dishes, and not much else.” Mash explained, sighing.

“My lack of variety means my specific area of expertise is top-notch!” shouted the chef. 

“Well...beggars can’t be choosers. You must have spaghetti, right? Or macaroni?” Chiaki said with a weak smile. Really, all she wanted was a hot meal and she’d be on her merry way. “Macaroni spaghetti! With extra sauce!” 

Alpha and Jack looked at her with raised eyebrows.

“Hey Mommy, did that girl lose her head? She sounds crazy.” 

“Wh- using the most basic dishes together? How plain!” But despite that remark, the chef scribbled the order on a notepad. “Did you want anything, Ms. Kyrielight?”

Mash smiled. “I’m fine, thank you. I’ll just have some tea.”

“Uh, I’ll just have a chicken pasta bake. For me and Jack.” said Alpha, hoping to get this over with.

With a scribble, the chef looked at the remaining customers. 

Ryuuto frowned. He wasn’t a big fan of pasta, but this guy wasn’t going to give him much choice. “Any pasta dish, right? Well, uh, pasta...bolognese.”

The chef gave him a look of annoyance and took his order. “And for the lady?”

Okita smiled. “I would enjoy it much if there was something sweet!”

“Uhuh...I’ll think of something.”

“Alright, step aside. It’s our turn now.” Naughty and Nobu pushed their way to the front, to the annoyance of Ryuuto and Okita. “Get me an authentic carbonara. None of that weird sauce crap.” 

The chef smiled and closed his eyes. “Ah, I see you are a man of culture as well.”

Nobu smirked. “I will also have what my retainer is having. And it better be good.”

The chef looked at the petite warlord. “Trust me lady, it will be.” He gave everyone a quick glance. “Drinks are over there, and we only have some kinds of juice, water, and tea packs at the moment. Don’t hoard anything.”

Everyone went for drinks and settled on one big table. Heracles loomed menacingly over them all, but he was a strangely comforting presence to everyone.

Alpha sighed. It was going to be a long day, week, or month, maybe a whole year. But as he poured himself another hot cup of tea, he wondered about the future. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad with his new partner, who was currently appreciating the warmth from her own cup of tea. Sure, he was all ready to let himself be a victim of circumstance, if that meant dying, or worse. But...

Maybe signing up for this job wasn’t a bad idea yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, sorry this chapter took ages to post. My summer is about to end, and a lot of things have been popping up. But that doesn't mean I'll stop writing! Nope, I'll keep going at it! Also, last chapter I had a line about the "magus of flowers". Yes, that refers to another mage, but the game text and Archer went with that title so I kept it. Won't happen again, oops!
> 
> ON THE NEXT EPISODE: Finally, the food is served! Looks like there was an unexpected guest as well. Also, the secret of Alpha's bag!
> 
> Useless Trivia, favorite Fate Class edition.  
> Ryuuto is a big fan of Sabers. Naughty likes Avengers the most. Alpha is into Riders, and Chiaki bonds the most with Berserkers? Eh? Must be the incoherent yelling.


	7. Interlude: Of Pasta and Touring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our Heroes have a grand order of pasta and meet a friend again! There's like a light recap, and some fluff. Oh, and Alpha's bag. I guess it's cool and stuff.

“It’s quiet.”

Fingers drummed on the table, feet tapping to some unknown rhythm below. The woman dressed in crimson and black grew impatient with the stiffening silence and the awkward tension of the table. “Too quiet. Is it going to be like this until the food comes?”

Chiaki looked at her tablemates, who gave back looks of blank insecurity. Seriously, all these people and not one person wanted to talk first? Sheesh, the social anxiety was so thick it could have been an oppressive cloud hanging over everyone. In this state, Chiaki could almost understand the warlord’s boredom. But wait…wait! She double-checked the table members again. Somebody was missing! “Where’s Gareth, Ryuuto? I thought she was with you.”

Ryuuto shrugged. “I think she went to go explore the area, or something.”

“You just left her alone?” Chiaki looked at Mash for support. “Leaving a Servant without supervision is bad, right? Even if I can’t imagine Gareth doing anything bad.”

“Da Vinci gets to do what she wants within reason, but that might be because she’s a genius, and has been here far longer than any of you all,” replied Mash with a pensive look. “But I agree. Gareth is energetic, but a good person at heart. She’ll be fine-”

“Master! I have returned!!! And I found someone on my way here!” A golden haired girl knight burst into the cafeteria accompanied by a familiar mage dressed in blue. He looked far calmer than his escort.

“Is that…” Ryuuto looked at the newcomers with shock.

“It’s him! Caster!” Chiaki shot up from her seat and practically threw herself into the Caster’s arms. “Ah Caster! I missed you!!!”

Unfortunately, the girl never reached her destination because she collided with a straw dummy instead. 

“Oof!”

At the table, everyone laughed. Even Caster had fun at the lady’s expense. Chiaki untangled herself from the mini Wicker Man and laughed along, her cheeks red from embarrassment. “Ah, Caster! I thought you died!” Gareth helped the poor girl steady herself as she approached the blue sage. 

“That would usually be the case, but it seems I was pulled here after disappearing in Fuyuki.” His red eyes twinkled with playful annoyance. “Hmph. I did say I wanted to be summoned as a Lancer this time. In any case, let me introduce myself again. I am Cu Chulainn, summoned this time as a Caster.”

“Welcome to Chaldea, Caster,” Mash said politely. “It’s good to see you again.”

“It’s good to see you too, Shield girl.” Maybe it was too good, because he was definitely checking out her back and side. 

“A-hem! I would like to know who this Caster is. Actually, I want to know what your previous feats were before I graced your facility with my presence! The full story!” The Demon Archer once again became the center of attention, her haughty gaze weighing heavily on everyone present.

“It’s a long story,” sighed Alpha. “But we can definitely share it to kill some time. I for one, feel like dying-” He was immediately interrupted by an excitable Master.

“SO! It all started when I ran into Ryuuto on my way to the orientation…” 

* * *

Throughout the story, everyone took their turns explaining things from their perspective, from first impressions to the littlest details, the good, the bad, and the ugly too. There were moments of laughter and silence for certain matters, especially near the end.

“That is impressive, holding off such a powerful foe with a small army of varied fighters. And this city of Fuyuki, the way you all described it gave me nostalgia for Honnoji.” Nobunaga nodded in satisfaction. “A story worthy of being remembered! I hope for adventures just as grand as that one in the future, retainer.”

Naughty smiled, this time more confident than condescending. “Don’t worry. There’s never a dull moment with me.” 

Suddenly, he remembered something and turned to face Ryuuto. “I can’t believe you actually said that when we caught up to you in the beginning with the Director.” 

“Said what?” Ryuuto gave a confused look at the Italian.

“Skellies.”

The table burst into various stages of laughter ranging from a light chuckle from Mash to the raucous cacophony of Naughty and Nobunaga. This promptly angered Ryuuto, who groaned and glared daggers at him. But the Italian simply shot back a smug smile that would rival even one of an anime girl. His Servant had an equally amused look on her face.

“Hahahahahaha! What kind of word is that to describe your undead enemies? So ridiculous! Ah Manslayer, it seems you have been paired with a clown of a Master!”

Okita gave her an unamused look. “Might I remind you that you’re the only one with the official title of ‘Great Fool’?” The swordswoman turned to face her Master, who looked less angry and more embarrassed now.

“Don’t mind her Master, that’s just how she is,” Okita looked at her Master with reassurance. “Okita-san will always be by your side, silly words or not. Just say the words and I’ll slice the Fool of Owari without hesitation.” 

“What was that, Manslayer? You want to engage in single combat right now?” The Demon Archer stood up. From seemingly nowhere, Nobunaga pulled out a matchlock rifle. “Entertain me before the feast then!”

“For my Master’s honor!” Okita unsheathed her sword and narrowed her focus on the crimson target.

It all seemed set for a duel, to the dismay of everyone who was not participating. However...

“HEY!”

No one had noticed that Chaldea’s cook had finally arrived with the group’s rather...grand order of pasta. It smelled absolutely delicious, but the lovely scent was unfitting against the furious aura the cook gave off. He looked like he was about to throw a plate, too! 

“There will be NO FIGHTING in MY CAFETERIA! Is that clear!?”

Silence. Nobunaga’s fingers were frozen on the rifle, just barely about to pull the trigger. Okita was stuck in a rather cool pose, sword ready to stab the Demon Archer. Finally, the two relented and sat back down, a frown on each of their faces.

“Good. Now eat your food before it grows cold. No one likes cold food, that’s some nasty stuff.”

With mixed feelings of apprehension, excitement, anticipation, and flat out hunger, the table of humans and Servants alike dug in. It was like a ridiculous variation on the holiday of Thanksgiving if they only served Italian pasta.

“Impressive...such a dish exists, huh?” Ryuuto inspected the Macaroni Spaghetti dish. “But it really looks inedible.”

“It looks like it violates wabi-sabi,” Nobunaga flatly stated. “But the color scheme has my approval.”

“Mommy, did they rip out somebody’s guts to make that? Because it really looks like a mess…”

“Never mind that,” said Alpha. “Our plate is here.” He took the chicken pasta bake and proceeded to eat calmly, if a little uncomfortable with the crowded table.

“Hmph. For a pasta dish, it actually looks good.” Ryuuto leered at the pasta bake. Pasta was no friend of his, but the Chaldean cook looked like he was competent enough if this plate was able to make him hungry.

“Ah Master, do you not like noodles?” asked Okita with curiosity. 

“Huh? It’s not that, it’s these kinds of dishes specifically,” replied Ryuuto. “I’m more of a ramen noodle kind of guy.”

“I see,” responded the swordswoman. “But there must be something you like. So in that case, we will have to find some oden to try!” 

“Eh? Oden doesn’t really have pasta in it, though…” Chiaki trailed off, wondering if the two even heard her. But a plate on the table caught her eye and all of her curiosity. 

It looked like pasta. The texture was definitely like spaghetti pasta and sauce. But it didn’t smell like pasta, nor did it radiate the heat of a typical dish of that nature. No, this was something completely unique, new, and frankly, bizarre. A lightbulb went off in her head as the girl realized what it was.

“Guys look!” Chiaki tried to hold back her laughter. “How clever, it’s spaghetti ice cream!” 

“What do you mean ice cream?” Ryuuto could only look with confusion. The plate looked ordinary, but as Okita took a sample from it her face lit up in pleasant surprise. Her eyes even seemed to sparkle as she made a contented noise. “It’s cold, but sweet!”

“Huh? It’s actually sweet?” Ryuuto couldn’t believe it. 

“Always has been,” said the Chaldean cook with a grin. He hadn’t moved from his place since he arrived with the food. “That’s a dish called _Spaghettieis_ , and since it is technically pasta, I deemed it fair game.” It was almost creepy that he had been watching the group eat the whole time, but what’s a guy going to do when his only clients are already served and the kitchen was basically abandoned?

“Your definition of pasta is pretty abstract,” mumbled Ryuuto. But deep down, he felt happy his new partner was enjoying the meal, even if he himself wasn’t feeling spectacular about it.

After their well-deserved meal, the crew was completely satisfied with the chef's cooking skills. Naughty sighed contentedly. "That was a fantastic meal, _non credi mia cara_?" he says as his head turns to Nobu, who seemed to agree, and was still stuffing herself. 

Ryuuto didn't seem too satisfied, clearly biased on not liking pasta. Ultimately he judged the ordeal as tolerable. “Now, I know I’m not fond of this kind of food,” he started, but then looked at Okita. “But I think I can speak for me and Okita that it was pretty good.”

Okita nodded in agreement. “Yes, it was very sweet!” Her Master chuckled softly and said, “Not as sweet as you.”

“Eh? What was that?”

“I mean, you’re very nice to give this man your compliments!” Ryuuto scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. Yikes, those words escaped his mouth before he knew what to do with them! The two looked at each other with awkward smiles.

“That’s right. We all owe our thanks to...to….what was your name? Did we ever get that?” Chiaki turned to look at the Chaldean cook, who was glaring at her with mild annoyance. “You never asked.”

“W-well,” stammered Chiaki with a faltering smile. “There’s a first time for everything!” Ah jeez, that came out really weird! She took a deep breath. “So then what is your name, oh cook of unlimited pasta recipes?”

The chef’s green eyes loosened up from the narrow stare. “You can cut the fancy title. It’s Sejo.” 

“Well then thank you very much, Mr. Sejo!”

* * *

“Hey Mash, I have a question.” Alpha pulled out his bag, opened it, and shook it upside down. “Before the Director….died, she gave me this bag to collect materials. Where did everything go?”

Everyone looked at the bag in curiosity. It was an ordinary dark brown bag that could be worn on the side. Mash opened her mouth to speak, but suddenly a new figure appeared.

“I see. So that is the Director’s bag of holding. It seems rather odd that you have it in your custody, young man.” 

Da Vinci appeared from the hallway, meeting up with the group. “That bag is special. Nothing that is considered living can enter its dimension, and the objects that can go inside are rather difficult to retrieve.”

“But then why would the Director have such a thing?” Ryuuto stared at the bag pensively. 

“Well, no matter how dangerous a place can be, it’s always good to know what you can find in new surroundings,” answered Da Vinci with a look of amusement. “After all, there may be objects that don’t belong in that place, and you can’t just carry objects with power freely without others noticing.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Chiaki looked confused and tilted her head in curiosity.

“Hmm, hmm. You will probably find out tomorrow. For now…” The woman looked at Alpha, then the bag, and then back at Alpha. “I’ll get the things you may have collected out of there. It’s rather risky to do it out in the open, but I’ll show you how it works later!”

Alpha silently handed her the bag, not really caring much about it. He watched as the lady walked off with the bag, heading into some room in the distance. 

“Meh. I thought I could stick my head and figure out where everything went.” 

* * *

“So now, I guess it’s time for rest. Tomorrow we’ll probably talk about where we go from here, and how to deal with the crisis at hand.” Mash looked at everyone with a small but warm smile. “I’m sure Chaldea has already given you all rooms before orientation, but the rooms spared by the explosion can be repurposed for the Servants.” 

“Then let’s take a tour! That way we know where everyone is staying,” Ryuuto replied while looking at the hallway beyond the cafeteria. 

“Hmph. As my retainer, you better be on speed dial. I want you close, you hear?” The Demon Archer nudged her Master. “Also, I want my room to be the most opulent this place has to offer! And it should have…” The rest of the way was noisy with the imperial warlord giving Naughty an endless amount of requests, and the soft rumble of the greek hero’s footsteps. 

“Hey Mommy, you don’t mind if I stay with you in your room, right?” The little Assassin looked up at her Master with endearing eyes. Alpha gave her a smile, saying “Of course not.” He couldn’t say no, not to that look on her face. For a well-known serial killer, Jack was impossibly adorable. It was...hard to believe the little child was capable of murder. But to be honest, that made it a lot better. If he wanted to perish, he now had a capable executioner with him at all times! Alpha’s smile fell a little. Maybe that was too cruel for both of them to think about right now.

They all ended up finding intact, vacant rooms near the boiler room, which wasn’t very far. The area ended up in the hands of the Japanese servants since they were the only ones able to inhabit that area; Heracles was simply too big to fit inside. 

“Well think about it this way: you won’t need a heater if the room is constantly warm.” Naughty peered into the room. It was empty but weirdly inviting, with a bed, some furniture, and not much else.

“The room is fine. As the Demon King of the Sixth Heaven, of course the atmosphere will be hot with my presence! What is not fine is that my next door neighbor happens to be the Manslayer.” Nobu crossed her arms, striking an air of superiority.

“The same can be said to you,” retorted Okita, who had her katana out. 

“Hey! Don’t you point that sword at me!” 

“So um, they’re going to be ok, right?” Chiaki looked at the squabbling Servants with amusement and mild concern. “Even though they’re fighting and stuff?”

“Let them fight,” responded Naughty, who was in awe of his own Servant. “It’s fine with me.”

“The rooms look small, but it probably isn’t any different than a dorm, I guess. I think they’ll be fine,” replied Ryuuto. He made a mental note to ask Okita if she would want to move in with him someday.

Gareth got a room next to Mash and Caster Cu decided to settle near the hall where the Master’s rooms were in. Ultimately, everyone was within a good walking distance of each other, much like a dormitory wing in a residence hall. As for decorating the interior…

“Hmm, I’ll figure something out with my runes.” With a wave of his hand, the blue sage conjured trees and flowers into his room, giving it a literal natural look to it.

“Is any of that real?,” asked Ryuuto. “Or is this some kind of illusion?”

“Think of it as personal scenery being projected onto the area. This room is now my territory, in a way.” 

“Impressive! You’ll have to decorate my room too!” 

“Ah, me as well!” 

The Saber and Archer popped up out of nowhere, clearly interested with the room-manipulating abilities of the blue Caster.

Cu sighed. “Alright. But let me finish my room first!”

Near Chiaki’s room was an open common area that was a tad larger than the rooms. “Hey hey, this is convenient! Heracles can stay close to me this way!”

A grunt from the Berserker in question seemed to have an approving tone, since he ambled his way inside and promptly set down his massive sword. Thankfully an earthquake did not go off.

“Man...it’s so cool, seeing a hero I’ve read stories about in the flesh…” Chiaki stared at the giant Berserker in a mixture of admiration, nervousness, and curiosity. “I’m going to do my best to be an amazing partner!” She clenched her hands into fists for motivation.  
  


“You know, if you wanted to get closer to him you could always just share your room,” suggested Naughty. 

“Huh?! No way!” Chiaki got flustered and shook her head earnestly. “First of all, he won’t fit in my room. Second of all, are you crazy? Of course I want to be friends, but uh, people need space at first!”

And with that, everyone went to rest for the next day. This was a good thing because somewhere in France, a fish-eyed freak was resurrecting his beloved leader, awaiting her rise from the ashes...and soon there would be a team assembling to stop him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been too long...but I'm here with a chapter! Sorry if you were expecting more story directly, but I felt a buffer between Singularities would be useful. On the Next Episode, it's time to take on Orleans! The evil Dragon Witch is ready to seize the land of France with her crazy crew and dangerous dragons! But not everyone is going. Who will be the lucky to go? Find out next time!!!
> 
> Useless Trivia: Movie Genres edition! Ryuuto enjoys Comedy and action if the two mix well. Alpha is into horror and comedy, and Chiaki likes pure adrenaline Action! Some humor is good too. Naughty is into comedy and JAV. If you know, you know. 
> 
> ...wow, we all like comedy? What a bunch of jokers.


	8. Roll Call/Land of the Hundred-Years War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time, our heroes had a satisfying dinner? Lunch? The concept of time is kinda foggy in a place like this. Rooms were assigned and Caster Cu became the resident interior room designer. Now, it's time to get ready for the next target in the Grand Order: 1431, Orleans: Hundred-Years War of the Evil Dragons (and that witch).

“Fou! Fou! Mew, kyaou!”

Something was licking Naughty’s face. It was probably that little squirrel pet that always followed Mash around. But wait, if Fou was here, then that means…

“Good Morning Senpai. It’s finally time for the brief- eek!”

Did she just call him “Senpai”? Oho, that sounded really pleasant to his ears. He could get used to this! When Naughty opened his eyes, he was greeted by the familiar sight of Mash’s pink hair and little Fou scrambling to balance on her head. Poor Mash had her glasses askew, yet a cheerful expression was on her face.

“Whew. I couldn’t get out of the way, but it’s good to see you so full of energy this morning,” she said to the squirrel-like creature. Mash turned to look at Naughty, who by now was sitting on the bed and putting his shoes on. “You too. Did you get some sleep last night?”

To be honest, he really couldn’t sleep much for some reasons he would rather not explain, but the Italian Master didn’t feel tired at all. In fact, he felt veeeery satisfied. “ _Come un tronco,_ ” was his calm response along with a thumbs up.

“That’s good,” said Mash with a small smile. “They say it takes talent for a good night’s sleep.” Her face grew serious. “I know you just woke up, but it’s briefing time. So we should hurry and get everyone to the command room.”

And with that, both Master and Shielder left for the others.

Nobunaga was waiting for them at the door, looking haughty as ever. “Too slow! I was wondering when you’d wake up, retainer!” She eyed Mash, and looked back at her slave. “Are you two up to something?”

“We’re heading to the Command Room and rounding up everyone,” answered Naughty.

“Well then! Allow me to rouse the rest of our regiment! Let us all go together!” The Demon Archer pulled out a rifle. “If they refuse to awaken, then they’re no better than dead!”

“Let’s hope it never gets to that,” murmured Mash with a concerned smile.

Their first target was Ryuuto. His door was suspiciously left ajar...but the trio soon found out why.

To their surprise, they found Ryuuto and Okita in the room together, with Ryuuto showing the Saber around the various things in his room. It was kind of cute actually, since he seemed to be a fan of Japanese culture and both were clearly in their element.

“Look like both of you took the “get a room, you two” saying to heart, huh?”

Both of them spun around to find Naughty and his group watching them. Ryuuto looked dead inside upon realizing the intrusion while Okita whipped out her sword. 

“You could have knocked beforehand, you know that right? Not cool, Naughty.” Saber’s Master was slightly flustered and annoyed. “Already bothering us before the day starts?” 

“Actually the day has started,” replied the Italian Master with a smirk. “Meet us at the Command Room, ok?”

Nobu gave a teasing wink to the swordswoman as she, Naughty, and Mash ran off to the next victim. Okita sighed, lowering her sword. “I’ll get her next time.”

* * *

Alpha’s room was dark, which meant he was either asleep or was brooding in the darkness like some kind of night owl. That was going to have to be corrected right now. Mash politely knocked on Alpha’s door, but nobody answered. There was no noise coming from within, either.

Nobunaga pulled out her rifle. “And now we give them a rude awakening!”

Mash’s eyes widened. “Wait, don’t shoot-”

A gunshot echoed in the halls of Chaldea, startling the pink-haired Shielder. But the door to Alpha’s room remained unscarred.

“Darn. It was a blank?” Nobu looked at her rifle in confusion while her Master and Mash waited to see the aftermath of the rude awakening.

There was about a minute of silence but finally, a sleepy but dressed Alpha opened the door. Jack was by his side, green eyes curious. “What the heck do you guys want at this hour? I was having my tea with Jack here and now it’s like a bloody war is upon us! I almost got shot!” He looked positively grumpy. “Actually I think I would have preferred that,” mumbled the blonde.

“Well, it’s briefing time. Please meet us at the Command Room.” Thankfully Mash was a calming presence in the thick tension of the hallway.

The final stop of the tour was Chiaki and Berserker. They didn’t find Chiaki in her room, but rather found her napping in the common area with Heracles, already dressed in her uniform.

“Oh hey,” she yawned. “Is it time for something to happen?”

“That’s right. We’re having one hell of a briefing at the Command Room. On your feet, soldier!” Nobunaga gave her an excited grin.

That got Chiaki wide awake. “Huh?! This is a military boot camp?” She stood up sharply, saluted, and gestured for Heracles to rise as well. “Chiaki reporting for duty! But I’ll warn you, Berserker is all the muscle in this team!” 

“Relax. But yeah, you two should hurry,” said Naughty.

“Say no more!” For a giant hunk of a hero, Heracles was surprisingly not slow. But Chiaki was just a bit ahead of him, jogging.

“Those two really got along, huh?” Mash smiled, watching them leave. “Well, it’s just us now. Let’s go.”

“Well, you did your job with impressive results,” complimented the Demon Archer. Naughty smirked as he reached the briefing area. Mission accomplished.

* * *

Dr. Roman was waiting for them all with a gentle smile along with the lovely Da Vinci. “Good morning, I hope everyone slept well. Let's get right to the briefing.” He cleared his throat. **“** For starters, let me go over what I want you to do. You have two objectives.”

“The first is the investigation and correction of the Singularities **.** Humanity's critical turning points exist in those eras. If it were not for those points, we could never have come as far as we have. They are the pivotal "events" in human history.”

“You must travel to that era, investigate what it is, figure it out, and then correct it. Otherwise, 2019 will never come and humanity will be extinct in 2018.”

“The operation's second objective is Investigate the Holy Grail.”

Chiaki shyly raised her hand to speak. “Excuse me, but...” Chiaki tilted her head quizzically. “What’s a Holy Grail?”

Da Vinci replied, “The "Holy Grail" is a relic that can grant wishes, a vessel that contains tremendous amounts of magical energy. Remember Singularity F? It had manifested as that crystal you retrieved from that place.”

“I see,” said Chiaki, eyebrows raised. But Ryuuto looked like he had something on his mind. “What does the Grail have to do with the singularity, though?”

Dr. Roman sighed. “With the Singularities, Lev probably got his hands on the Grail in some form and misused its power. It's impossible to travel through time and change the past without the Grail. Seriously.”

“Anyways, you will probably run into intel regarding the Grail during your investigation of the singularity. Even if you correct history, leaving the Grail behind will put us back to square one. So then, you must either secure the Holy Grail, or destroy it. Those are the two objectives of this operation. ls everything clear so far?” Roman looked at his audience, searching for signs of confusion.

There were nods and thumbs up gestures from all four Masters. “Crystal clear!”

“Glad to hear it.”

“...And now, there's one other thing I want you all to do right now.” The doctor looked at the four once more with a serious gaze. “As we are right now, Chaldea lacks the resources to fully support all four of you Rayshifting. Including a Coffin for Mash, there are only two available spots for this mission.”

Naughty looked at Ryuuto, who looked at Chiaki, who turned to face Alpha. Somebody was going to have to speak at one point, but right now it was an awkward mess of reading expressions and silence.

“Uhh, you’re Mash’s Master. So Naughty, you should go,” stated Chiaki meekly. “To be honest, I’m nervous about this whole “time travel” thing. Kinda makes me feel queasy.”

“That’s alright, nobody blames you.” Da Vinci turned to face the others. “And who will be joining our daring novice here?” Naughty opened his mouth to protest, but Da Vinci’s comment made him feel somewhat proud. 

“I’ll go.” Alpha stepped forward, a determined look on his face. “I think I can handle it.”

“Oho, you sure you don’t have a death wish?” Naughty looked at Alpha with a smirk. The blonde replied with a grin, “Actually, I do.” 

“Hey Ryuuto? You wanna say something?” asked Chiaki. The Master in question had a thoughtful look on his face. “Actually, I want to see how this whole Rayshifting thing works before I give it a try. So I’m alright with staying.”

“Heheh, playing it safe huh?” Naughty smirked. 

“Actually, I’m playing it smart.” Ouch, two for two for Naughty getting hit with replies.

Roman called for everyone’s attention. “Alright. Now that that’s settled, here are your specific tasks. Rayshifting team, I want you to find a leyline after landing in the era and make a summoning circle with Mash. It’s just like what you did in Fuyuki. Once you do that, you’ll be able to summon your Servants at will.” 

“Gotcha.” Alpha felt relieved that Jack would join him, he wanted to enjoy the adventure at least a little bit before his urge to kick the bucket resurfaced.

From there, Dr. Roman formally introduced Da Vinci as the head engineer of Chaldea and as a Servant. There was shock and awe, even if they had met Da Vinci earlier from yesterday. 

“....genius has nothing to do with time period. All of you would do well to remember that too. You will most likely encounter many Heroic Spirits who were artists in these missions. Every one of them is as splendid and eccentric!” 

“Not as splendid as you,” Naughty said with a wink. Da Vinci winked back, a subtle gesture that Naughty caught.

“Thank you for the advice, Da Vinci,” Mash said. “Every bit counts when going into unknown ventures.”

The Renaissance woman warmly smiled. “That's my girl, you're always so understanding. Well, that's enough for my introduction.” She straightened up, and gained a didactic tone. “From now on, I will be focusing on supporting you with supplies, R&D within Chaldea, and updating Heroic Spirits' contracts. I am a Servant summoned by Chaldea, you see. Unlike Mash and your own Servants, I cannot jump to any era. However, if any of you make a contract with me, then it would be another matter.”

Naughty was already thinking of the possibilities, but no one seemed to notice his face. 

“I would then be able to aid you as an ordinary Servant. I'm looking forward to such a fate in the future.” Ohh yeah. Naughty was definitely waiting for that moment. Chiaki gave him a look of mild concern, but the Italian brushed her off. 

After some goodbyes, Da Vinci headed off to calibrate some machines. Dr. Roman watched her go. “...Wow, she really did introduce herself and run off.” He then motioned for Naughty and Alpha to come over. “I'm sorry, but we don't have time to rest. We're going to prep for immediate Rayshift, ok?

“So we just get into these tube things?” Alpha looked at the Rayshifting equipment with mild interest. 

“That’s right. They’re called Coffins, but don’t worry! Despite the morbid name, they secure you a safe trip through reality as spiritrons.” 

“I see.” And yet Alpha couldn’t help but look at the abandoned Coffins, some slightly charred but mostly intact. He wondered if everyone who didn’t survive the bombing was in there...and if something went wrong, would he join them in their sleep?

Mash got in the Coffin calmly without saying anything. Naughty was too busy fantasizing about having Da Vinci as a partner. Ryuuto glanced in his direction and noticed the Italian was...oddly quiet but with a grin to rival the Cheshire Cat. With a “hmph”, he rolled his eyes.

Meanwhile, Roman was giving final comments to the Rayshifters. “To recap: seven singularities have been detected, but we've selected the time period with the smallest fluctuations to correct first. Fix the crisis occurring and locate the Holy Grail. Once you get there, we'll only be able to communicate with you. Got it?”

“Yep.” “Uhuh.”

“I know I'm repeating myself, but the first thing is to set up a base camp and to find a leyline. You’ll be able to get supplies then. After you've settled into the era, do what needs to be done. All right—Good luck, Naughty and Alpha!”

“We’ll be cheering you on...from here!” Chiaki and Ryuuto waved the two of them goodbye, smiling.

**_Unsummon Program, start._ **

**_Spiritron Conversion, start._ **

**_Rayshift starting in 3, 2, 1..._ **

**_All procedures cleared._ **

**_Grand Order commencing operation._ **

**  
  
**

Hundred-Years War of the Evil Dragons: O R L E A N S 1 4 3 1 A.D.

_Holy Maiden of Salvation_

* * *

When Alpha finally regained consciousness he found himself among a grassy field, with a refreshing wind blowing. Green hills and the occasional tree were up ahead, the blue sky vast with a weird ring of light in the distance. It was a complete 180 from the urban hellscape that was Fuyuki city. Was he in...heaven? Nah, he wasn’t good enough for that. Probably.

He stood up and brushed himself off, noticing that Naughty and Mash were up and talking. He walked over to them, catching a bit of their conversation. For some reason his head felt a little heavy. Was it a headache or weird form of jet lag? He didn’t know.

“...Master, I have confirmed the time axis coordinates. Looks like it’s the year 1431.” She noticed Alpha coming over, and motioned for him to come closer before chuckling. The Italian noticed whatever was amusing on Alpha as well, and laughed.

“What’s so funny?”

“Fouuu!” Suddenly the weight on his head vanished, and the little rabbit creature fell down into view. Fou scampered over to Mash and stayed put there. “Oh, so that’s what was bothering me.” Mash’s little pet had hitched a ride on him, huh? “Very funny, Fou.” 

“As I was saying, this is the time period of the Hundred Years War, specifically the respite period...guys?” Mash looked at the two quizzically. “What are you looking at?”

“Look up,” said Alpha. All three stared up at the blue sky, unaware of a hologram materializing.

“Hey you three! We’re connected now!” Chiaki’s voice came from the screen.

“Why are they all staring up at the sky?” That was Ryuuto. 

Dr. Roman looked at their status from his screen. “Mash, can we get visuals? Is there something up there that’s unusual?”

“Right, sending you visuals now.” An image popped up in the Chaldea screens. A humongous band of light stretched out into the sky, a halo splitting the bright outside sky and a slightly darker sky within. It was breathtaking, but also surreal.

“There’s no records of such a phenomenon in 1431. Looks like we’ll have to investigate this anomaly from our end,” stated Roman. “Now then, you guys concentrate on surveying the area. Make contact with people and look for a leyline like we said, alright?”

“Understood,” said Mash. She turned to face the two guys. “Let’s start by looking for a city-” Suddenly she turned around to a path up ahead. “Wait, I’m sensing incoming signals. They appear to be...a French Scout brigade.”

“We’re in France?” Alpha felt a little disappointed. “French people are…”

“Not my favorite people to deal with,” finished Naughty. Alpha looked at him in surprise. “You too?”

“Yeah, they’re the worst. I don’t care if it’s medieval times or not, they’ll probably rub me the wrong way.”

“In any case, what should we do? Make contact with them?” Mash looked at her Master expectantly.

“Let’s beat them up.”

“Senpai, that sounds rather violent for a first impression…”

“They’re soldiers, right? They’re probably dangerous.” Naughty crossed his arms.

“Right, but maybe we can persuade them to buzz off.” Alpha looked up ahead, hoping he could see the incoming threat. 

“I’m sure we can come to a peaceful resolution.” Even so, Mash stood protectively in front of the two Masters and rabbit. It was just in time too, the soldiers were approaching them, spears in hand but expressions neutral.

“Hello, excuse me, we are travelers-” Mash started to speak but Naughty suddenly shushed her. “They’re French! English is not the language they would want to hear.”

He cleared his throat and looked at the band of Frenchies annoyingly. “ _Bonjour_ _gar_ ç _ons_ _. Je m’appelle Naughty._ ” He gestured to Alpha and Mash. “ _Ce sont mes amis. S’il vous plaît laissez-nous avant que nous vous battions.”_

A french soldier frowned and opened his mouth to speak, but Naughty spoke up again. _“Au fait, où puis-je trouver des femmes sexy?”_

Silence. With suspicious looks, they picked up their weapons and came closer to the three.

“Naughty what the heck did you tell them?!” Alpha glared at the Italian, who simply shrugged. “I told them nothing violent, I swear!” Mash sighed as the Master’s wristbands began to light up.

“Yoohoo! What’s going on over there? Why is there an armed group surrounding you?” Chiaki’s voice resounded from the call. 

“Let’s just say Master said something unusual to the Frenchmen. My mistake. I should have greeted them in French in the first place,” responded Mash.

“Hmm, starting with a fight already? And with elite soldiers, too!” Dr. Roman peered at the screen. “Did negotiations fall out so quickly?”

“I’m hearing strange voices from somewhere near those three,” said one of the soldiers in French. “Men, ready your weapons. They are too suspicious to live!” With grunts of confirmation, the squadron brandished their spears.

“Quickly, Doctor! Do you know any good French jokes? We need to calm them down!” Mash was getting desperate. How did this situation escalate so quickly?

“Hell if I know, I’m a loner! But I’ll think of something!” The doctor muttered, “Think, think, think. Something witty…”

Chiaki was at a loss and stared at the screen. She knew some French from school, but not enough to make a joke. Ryuuto on the other hand was taking a break and probably hanging out with Okita, most likely keeping an eye on the chaotic Archer. “It’s not like he would have been helpful here anyway,” Chiaki sighed out loud. 

Meanwhile in France, Mash was preparing for combat. “Master, I don’t want to hurt these soldiers. It would be bad to hurt the locals. We’ll have to push them back!”

“Uh..what are you on about? They clearly want to kill us Mash!” Naughty readied his fists, not sure if he could do much.

“Yeah! No mercy,” Alpha chimed in. “But we could at least knock them out.”

“Yeah!” Dr. Roman popped up, finally having an idea. “In that case, hit them with the back of your blade! Limit the bloodshed as much as possible! Back of the blade!”

“With a shield?” Amusingly, everyone not Roman in the situation had the same thought.

“How would you..” Alpha stopped to think.

“I-I’ll think of something! Here goes! FIREEE!!!” Mash gave out a yell and charged at the soldiers, spears ready to fight.

“Fire? But that thing isn’t even a projectile…” Chiaki was getting confused by the second.

“Fire?! No, burning is out of the question too!” Roman couldn’t believe Mash would think of that.

The two spectators sat back and watched as Mash tacked the soldiers, bashed their heads with the shield, just enough to make them collapse but not die. Naughty and Alpha couldn’t really do anything but dodge stray spears and keep Fou out of the fray. At one point the two guys had the idea of throwing the spears where the soldiers couldn’t get them, effectively disarming the frenchmen. Eventually, all of the French soldiers were knocked down unconscious, but breathing. 

Mash leaned on her shield sighed. “Physical fatigue aside, I’m mentally exhausted too.”

“You did a great job, Mash. Now we need to tie these soldiers up and interrogate them for information,” said Naughty.

“You say that, but…” Alpha looked at the defeated foes who somehow got on their feet in a flash. With scared looks, they ran like rabbits. “Darn. Looks like you didn’t hit hard enough.”

“I could have sworn she hit them good,” said Naughty. “Looks like they retreated.”

“Hmm. You’re going to have to chase them quietly back to their fort. Make sure you greet them properly in French, ok? No asking for women, Naughty. I heard what you said.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” muttered Naughty. “I can’t help it, doc. It’s France.”

No comments were made on that. 

And so, our heroes (and one rabbit-like pet) followed the rag-tag band of defenseless Frenchmen to their fort, hoping to find a base full of supplies, shelter, and potential allies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well well well, looks like we have finally entered the Orleans Arc. It's about time! Your useless trivia today is "If you could make a wish on the Holy Grail, what would you do?"
> 
> Alpha wants to get rid of his depression, and if that isn't possible, he wants to rename french fries to freedom fries. Naughty wants his waifu the Demon King of the Sixth Heaven to be real and by his side. Ryuuto doesn't know exactly what he'd do with it, but if pressed he says he'd wish for a lot of money to have a nice life. Chiaki wants an unlimited supply of pancakes. Just kidding! She'd wish for good fortune.
> 
> ...World Peace? What's that?


	9. Meeting the Maid of Orleans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LAST TIME ON FOUR STOOGES: Two brave fools decided to embark on a quest to investigate the Orleans Singularity in France! Unfortunately, they seem to hate the place! Will this have any effect on how the mission will go? Who knows?

_ Ryuuto woke up in a field of flowers. _

_ More specifically, a field of what appeared to be apple blossoms in pastel pink, white, and pale purple, but that couldn’t be right. Apple blossoms grow on trees, not on the ground! In any case, Ryuuto was lying beneath a vast, blue sky. Clouds lazily moved about, and a gentle breeze stirred the sweet-smelling air. _

_ It looked, felt, and smelled like paradise, or at least a natural scene straight out of a storybook. He pressed his hands against the soft ground and rose above the flowers, gazing into the land beyond. A forest of pine trees stood in the distance, but not much else could be seen. _

_ The Master took a deep breath. This had to be a dream, right? The area was too...pretty. But he guessed he could enjoy himself a little. Ryuuto stood up and walked around aimlessly, until a slim object on the ground caught his eye. _

_ “Is this some kind of staff?” He walked towards the ornate pole, or maybe it was some kind of symbolic marker. The Master was a few steps away from reaching the object when he realized there was a presence behind him, following his footsteps.  _

_ “The bells...the bells are ringing.” _

_ Ryuuto turned around to find a girl with blond hair and a white outfit, topped with a blue hat. Her stern yet unsure green eyes met Ryuuto. She said the bells were ringing….but all the young man heard was the wind’s fluttering of the flowers. _

_ “I don’t know what you mean. I don’t hear anything.” She looked familiar. Where had he seen a face like that before? _

_ The girl stared past him, eyes focused on the staff. “One day the star of hope will shine...huh?” She finally seemed to realize the stranger near the staff. “Who are you?” _

_ “Me? My name’s Ryuuto…” His voice trailed off, uncertain of what to say next. It didn’t matter, since the whole area was suddenly becoming brighter than sunlight. Great. Now he was waking up at a crucial introduction! Curse his luck! _

_ “My name is Ryuuto!” This time, with more confidence. The world was fading quickly. “I’m a Master of Chaldea!” _

_ It’s not like saying where he was now was going to help at this rate, but oh well. _

* * *

“This is...bad, isn’t it?”

_ “Si.” _

“Well, it looks like following those French soldiers was a bust. Guys, are you seeing this?”

The fort ahead of them was in a nice, lush clearing, and would have been a great place to take a picture if not for the fact that its interior was completely in ruins, smoke faintly escaping from the inner depths. However the one redeeming trait of the fort was its somewhat sturdy outer wall.

“You really can’t call this a fort, huh?” Dr. Roman’s voice resounded from Alpha’s bracelet. “There’s nothing but wounded soldiers here.” Mash silently nodded in agreement. “It is wartime after all. If this really is 1431, then Charles VII of France should have signed a peace treaty with Phillip III, an English ally. But even so, there were probably skirmishes-”

“Like the one we’re about to face?” Naughty pointed to an incoming French soldier, causing Alpha to groan. “They found us already?”

“I’ll handle this,” said Mash, glancing back at the two. With a calm stride, she approached the tense soldier. This time, her voice came out in French. “ _ Bonjour. _ We are travelers, and not here to harm you. Please lay down your weapon, _ monsieur _ .” 

The man looked nervous, but his shoulders relaxed and he lowered his spear. “You’re not the enemy?”

“Of course we’re not,” muttered Alpha under his breath. “We spared you all a while ago. If we really were their enemy we’d go harder than that.” Naughty snickered in agreement. Mash however, was conversing with the Frenchman and was hearing things far more concerning than a misunderstanding.

“You mean Charles VII did not sign a peace treaty?” Oh no, this was bad. Mash began to feel uneasy.

“You don’t know? The king is dead! He was burned to death by a witch!” This was very bad.

“Dead? By a witch and her flames?”

“ _ Oui. _ It’s Jeanne D’arc, who was burnt at the stake and rose again as the “Dragon Witch”. England retreated quite a while ago,” said the man with a small sad smile. “But where do we have to run off to? This is our home, the land we defended with our lives. And now we will die here too, by a false martyr’s flames.”

“Whoa. The Saint of France is a witch now, AND she’s roasting her own country? I want to meet her,” whispered Naughty to Alpha. “She sounds like my kind of woman.”

“Guys, I thought your mission was to SAVE France, not meet the local arsonist and help destroy it. Also, what did the French ever do to you guys?” A new voice emanated from the Master’s bracelets: Chiaki.

“Well you see Chiaki, as Europeans we really dislike this country for future reasons. You’re American, right?” Naughty waited for Chiaki’s response.

“Well, yeah. What does that have to do with anything?”

Alpha and Naughty snorted. “Then, you wouldn’t understand. Maybe Ryuuto would. Speaking of which, where is he-”

“Alright, break up the conversation! Multiple magical signals are approaching!” Roman’s voice broke into the conversation, alerting the Masters. “They seem to be undead familiars- skeleton soldiers. Unlike last time, you can go all out.”

The clinking of bones and metal grew louder as the bone-white figures approached the group. The french soldier grabbed his spear and stood beside Mash. “If they are really skeleton soldiers, I can handle this.” The two Masters shrugged and looked towards the horde of skeletons.

“Alright! No mercy to those who refuse to stay dead! Get em, Mash!” Naughty cheered her on, but really, he was admiring her behind...from behind.

The demi-Servant readied her shield, eyes focusing on the targets ahead. “Your orders, Master! I’ll pulverize them!”

While her choice of sudden aggression was spontaneous, Naughty grinned at her outburst. “That’s the spirit!”

* * *

They made decent work of the undead group, smashing their bodies to individual segments. The french soldier dutifully picked up the weapons while Alpha walked towards the skeletal remains, hoping to find something useful. “Huh, some of these bones are red.” He picked one up, examining it. “Say, doc, can we use these bones for something?”

“Oh wow, Evil Bones. Yes, go ahead and pick those up, please. They will certainly be useful!” Instead of the doctor, it was Da Vinci who had responded. Alpha picked up all the red bones he could find, and stuffed them into his brown bag. Amazingly, the bag never felt heavier no matter how many bones he stuffed inside. However his bone hunt was interrupted by distant roars from above.

The French soldier panicked. “Come on, dragons are coming! If you don’t resist or run, they’ll eat you!”

“Larger magical signal incoming! Wait, this can’t be! Those are…” Romani stared at the screen.

“Dragons…?” From Chaldea, Chiaki could not believe what she was seeing. “Y-you mean to tell me dragons are REAL?!”

“Visual confirmed! There are three of them! It’s unbelievable! They are wyverns, a subspecies of dragons.” The doctor turned to face Chiaki. “And yes, they are very real and very dangerous!” 

Mash grit her teeth. “This will be different than those old bones from earlier, Master.”

The large, emerald-green body of a wyvern cast a shadow over the group, and the observers from Chaldea could only watch in anticipation. “Will they be alright?” Chiaki said to herself in genuine concern. The feeling grew worse when she noticed something else on her screen. “Ah, doctor, there’s another signal heading their way!”

“Soldiers! Douse yourselves with water! You can momentarily defend against their flames!” A blonde woman was running towards the group. Her pristine banner swayed in the wind heroically, as did her blonde hair in a braid. Her blue eyes held intense resolution. Surely, this was a heroine arriving at the nick of time!

However, the lone frenchman in the group could only gape in shock. “Eh?”

“You there!” cried the woman. “Please pick up your weapon and fight! Follow me! Together with me, we will engage the wyvern!” Yes, there was no doubt this woman had the aura of a hero, or at least a person of inspiration. 

“Oh, she is a Servant! But what’s this, her energy readings are rather low...what is she…” Roman was analyzing figures with intensity while Chiaki was glued to the action happening. 

“Impossible, no, no it can’t be-” The soldier was staring at the woman, his face no longer shocked, but in fear and confusion. “You’re the witch! You brought that dragon here!” He was shaking his head in disbelief, and started to back up from everyone. Alpha sighed, and Naughty rolled his eyes. “Don’t be a  _ lâche.  _ You want to act like a little  _ garçon  _ who hasn’t grown a pair? Don’t tell me all French are like that.”

The Frenchman only understood maybe two words from the Italian, but it was enough to anger him. “I am not associating with a witch! Especially if that dragon is going to kill us all!” He ran off into the destroyed fortress, leaving the wyverns to the Chaldeans and the Servant.

“Well, crap. Looks like we have to deal with this ourselves,” grumbled Alpha as three wyverns descended, roaring and breathing sparks of fire from their mouths. “Kill me now.”

“Show your corpses to the three thousand worlds...”

A flash of light manifested in the sky, and dimmed just as quickly. Two figures descended from the burst, one in garments of red and gold and the other cloaked in black. The red one began summoning a myriad of rifles in mid-air, covering the sky in weapons.

“Behold, the Demon King’s Descent! Three Line Formation!”

A sudden burst of gunfire came from behind the flying reptiles and perforated their wings. Mash immediately moved to cover the Masters with her shield, letting the bullets deflect harmlessly off of it. With inhuman wails, the wyverns crashed to the ground in agony. The assault did not stop, and the rain of bullets slowed the movements of the wyverns. A small figure weaved through the aerial gunfire, landing on the back of a wyvern with a hefty stab of her knife. The creature let out a terrible shriek and slammed its neck onto the ground with a lifeless thud. 

As for the third target, the woman furled her banner and launched a flurry of attacks, lancing the wyvern to death with swift slashes and strikes. The gunfire accelerated the process, and soon all three wyverns lay dead and full of holes, their corpses emitting smoke.

“Hahahaha! Those poor excuses for dragons are no match for my genius tactics!” The Demon Archer Nobunaga cackled as she approached the group. Naughty couldn’t help but smirk back. Amidst all of the smoke, his Servant looked hot in every sense of the word. 

“...Mommy! Are you ok? We fell out of the sky to save you!” The little Assassin detached herself from the dead draconic beast and ran towards her Master, hugging him. Alpha ruffled her hair, sighing in relief. “I’m fine. Thank you for killing that monster, Jack. You...you’ve made...Mommy proud.” Screw it, he was taking his new motherly role in stride. Naughty and Archer snickered at the sight while Mash sighed.

She then noticed the woman from before approaching and gestured for everyone to pay attention. The blonde woman in armor carried a neutral expression. “Um...Thank you very much.”

“Hmph! That was nothing I couldn’t handle,” said Nobu with a confident smile. Mash came forward with a soft smile. “No, it really was nothing. By the way, are you-”

“Ruler. My Servant class is Ruler.” Upon hearing those words, Jack involuntarily stiffened and squeezed the hem of Alpha’s uniform. “My true name is Jeanne D’Arc.”

“Jeanne D’Arc?” Mash’s eyes widened.

Alpha frowned. “You mean the one that soldier said resurrected and became a witch?”

Jeanne’s face fell. “We can talk about that later.” She glanced at the fortress behind everyone. “It is nothing we should say in front of them.” With her flagpole, she pointed towards a nearby forest. “If you will, please join me. We can discuss the situation at hand there.”

Mash turned to Naughty and the others. “We’ve been invited, Senpai. Shall we join her?”

Naughty looked at the Ruler, and back at the group, shrugging. “Let’s follow her.” Nobu nodded. “A wise decision, retainer. Always follow those who know the area more than you do.” That being said, the Archer pulled out a rifle and kept it close. 

The little Assassin looked at Alpha with uncertainty. He stared at the forest ahead. “To be honest, I don’t trust Jeanne. It could be a trap.” But did he really have a choice? Before he could mull over his thoughts some more, a beep emanated from his bracelet.

“Hey, following her is a good idea. I’m sure she knows about the situation, and we can get details about this Singularity.” Roman’s words emanated from the communication device, but it did nothing to shake the feeling of suspicion from Alpha’s mind.

“Let’s tag a little behind them, Jack. Just in case.”

“Ok Mommy. We know how to be sneaky, just watch.”

* * *

Ryuuto woke up to the bright light of his room and the scent of his aromatherapy device. Some kind of dream he had. Was that supposed to be prophetic, comforting, or just plain weird? He sat up and rubbed his eyes. That girl looked familiar, and he had an idea of who it could be...but she looked far kinder than the King of Knights. 

“Hmm,” he mused to himself. “I have to stop thinking about her.” He didn’t really mean it. She was such a regal lady with those sharp eyes, the blond hair, the way she yelled-

“Master!” Okita’s voice jolted Ryuuto out of his reverie. “They need you in the Command Room, it’s time for your shift.”

“Alright, I’m coming.” One splash of cold water to the face later, he was walking alongside the Sakura Saber through the halls. “I take it they let Naughty and Alpha’s Servants go to Orleans?”

“Yes. That Archer made a big show of it, too.” Okita was pouting now. “And that Master girl said it was some kind of “Big Damn Heroes moment”, but I think I could have done the job faster.”

“You definitely would. No doubt,” replied Ryuuto. “One day those two are going to get cocky and we’ll have to go save them. 

Finally, they reached the Command Room. Everyone was too busy focused on the screens and data to notice the newcomers except Chiaki, who weakly waved hello. “Hey, you two. My eyes are tired from all this watching.” She stood up, stretching her arms. “They’ve been asking for you, by the way. Oh, that also reminds me- why do you guys hate the French so much? As far as I know, they were allies. I mean, we kinda got them into debt after the Revolutionary War but aside from that-”

“Don’t think about it too hard, Chiaki,” Ryuuto sighed. “It’s one of those things where you don’t have an explanation. It’s just a feeling.”

“A gut feeling?”

“Yeah, whatever you wanna call it. Now go get some rest before you ask something that silly again.”

Chiaki smiled, but it resembled more of a squiggly line on her face than a genuine smile. “Alrighty!” The female Master ran off, probably to her room or to go find Berserker.

Okita watched her go, then turned to her Master with a small smile. “Let’s see how that Demon Archer and her Master are doing.”

* * *

“...and basically, we are here to restore the Human Order and destroy the cause of the Singularity, which may or may not have to do with a Holy Grail being around here somewhere.”

“I see,” replied Ruler with a serious look on her face. “I understand now. To think that humanity as a whole had been incinerated, and “myself” being a “Dragon Witch”, this is truly a dire situation.”

“Do you have any idea of how she’s controlling them?” Mash looked at the Ruler. “To summon dragons is a high form of magecraft, and with so many...it doesn’t seem possible, not even for this era’s magecraft.”

Jeanne shook her head. “I have no idea how she’s controlling them. I never thought about those things in life, and my own skills as a Ruler have either been greatly weakened or outright deleted. At the very least, this is my homeland...I can still figure out the lay of the land and speak the native tongue.”

“Well, to be able to bend the rules like that would require an object with immense power,” said Doctor Roman from the communication device.

“So like a Holy Grail,” mumbled Alpha. “Great. We’re dealing with an enemy that has basically won, aren’t we?”

Everyone turned to look at the blond Master. “What do you mean, Alpha?” Jeanne asked, but it earned her no smile from Alpha.

“The Dragon Witch is going to use everything in her power to probably destroy France. If she’s Jeanne, or maybe some twisted version of her, she probably hates the people. And while I’m personally alright with that (this earned some looks of shock from Mash and Jeanne), I know we have a mission that spans the greater picture.” Somehow, it didn’t sound so motivating and the mood severely fell. “Even so, we’re just a handful of Servants, humans, with no army and no resources. We can’t ask other countries for help, and we can’t bring over the rest of the team either. You all saw how those soldiers reacted to Jeanne. We’re boned in every sense of the word.”

There was a moment of silence for the rant Alpha had unleashed. From Chaldea, Ryuuto watched silently.  _ Wow. I didn’t know he had it in him to say all of that.  _ Although some points were agreeable, he decided to steer the group back on course. “Alpha, it’s as you say: in the long run, saving France will help with restoring Human Order. So while we may have grievances, just this once, we’re going to rise above that and help these people.”

“Yes, let’s help Jeanne,” said Mash. “Although we are a small group-”

“I say we make an army.” Nobunaga stood up and walked to the center, overshadowing the campfire. “ This “Dragon Witch” aims to take over the land and destroy it, right?” The Demon Archer spoke up, her eyes gleaming mischievously. 

“That’s right,” replied Naughty. Mash and the others nodded. The firefly light highlighted the Demon Archer’s face and gave her hair a crimson sheen.

“Then there is one thing we must do. Our next course of action. If we cannot make ourselves a benevolent force that defends France due to personal grudges, we will become our own faction. We will find like-minded soldiers from every town and fort we pass on our way to the Dragon Witch’s lair, and crush the enemy forces utterly. We will show no mercy to these monsters and become monsters ourselves, razing the land before the witch has any chance to do so.”

“In other words, I say we conquer France ourselves!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. It's been too long, but now I'm back to continue the story. We're now heading towards a plot divergence point, and it took that long to make the happy medium between "We hate the French!" and "We need to do our job!" You would think that maybe they should just let go of their hate, but that's not happening either. Useless Trivia: Moral Alignments! Ryuuto is Chaotic Good, Naughty is Chaotic Neutral. Alpha is Chaotic Evil, and Chiaki is the only Lawful Good person in this mess of Masters.


	10. Build an Army, Trust No One (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LAST TIME ON FOUR STOOGES: Bonjour! Our heroes met the Maid of Orleans. Sheesh, Alpha really popped off, huh? Must be a European thing. And now Nobu wants to take over France herself? This feels familiar...or rather, it feels absolutely ridiculous. It might work, though!

**CHAPTER 10: Nobunaga’s Ambition**

_“In other words, I say we conquer France ourselves!”_

Doctor Roman turned from the screen to look at Da Vinci, who had her eyebrows raised. “Is that even an option? Can they take the land by force and still restore the era to its normal conditions?”

“Hmm. It sounds quite aggressive, but confronting the Dragon Witch with an opposing force could stall her destructive grip on Orleans. However,” said Da Vinci calmly, “Those two would be wise to not put too many civilians into collateral damage. Fighting for France or our own interests, we’re not supposed to be the enemies of those also trying to preserve the Human Order.” 

The Renaissance woman looked down at the Coffins, then to the Master of Saber and his monitor. She wasn’t expecting such an idea to manifest, but here they were, aiming to build an army whose intentions were rather vague. If she had to guess, Mash and the Ruler would not like the proposition completely , and their argument would begin right about…now.

Back at the campsite, Jeanne stood up with a frown, her banner furled. “I swore to defend France from her invaders. I thought I could assist you if your intentions were good, and at first, they were. But I see now that you are aiming to go down the path of the Dragon Witch herself.” She put a hand to her chest. “Why not join me and go under my banner? We can save this land and still take on the other Jeanne.”

“Pardon my french, lady, but you’re not exactly a savior anymore. You saw how that soldier ran off in a panic the moment he saw your face. If you were to lead us, no one would join our cause,” Alpha looked at Ruler coldly. “At least, not with that first impression.”

“I hate to admit it, but Alpha is right. Senpai...from that look in your face, you agree, don’t you?” Mash tried to look for signs of rebuttal, but no one fought back against that statement.

“Then I shall be the leader. After all, this is my plan!” Nobunaga materialized a rifle in a burst of golden mana and pointed it at Ruler, who barely flinched. “Ruler! No need to be afraid,” she said laughing. “What do you plan on doing from here? Will you join us?”

The frenchwoman looked hurt. “I died not too long ago. Being a Servant feels so new, it is like standing on the battlefield for the first time. I know now that God will not always show the path clearly,” Jeanne raised her head, meeting the Demon Archer’s proud gaze even though the Ruler was taller than the warlord. “But even so, I cannot turn my back on this situation. I will fight knowing our goals coincide in the end.”

Jeanne approached the warlord. “Please, allow me to assist you in defeating the Dragon Witch. All I ask is that you save my country, and keep its people out of the conflict as much as you can.” Jeanne held out her hand, the campfire reflecting its flames in each of their eyes.

Nobunaga took it, and to the relief of the Shielder and the complacency of the rest, they shook hands. “Deal.”

* * *

The next day, it was a long walk back to the ruined fort. Jeanne wore a cloak to hide her face, upon request of Alpha. It was to mitigate the suspicion of the civilians, but Naughty was sad he couldn’t see Jeanne’s pretty face clearly anymore. At Vaucouleurs, Nobunaga stood above the fortress, declaring her objectives to the startled soldiers below. Unfortunately, while Chaldea had a charm for universal translation, the few ragged soldiers listening could not bear the weight of another war and ran off.

“Well, so much for that plan. These French people really are a bunch of pussies,” snapped Alpha as the group watched the last of the stragglers scurry off. He waved an Evil Bone idly, hoping to make the crimson object as some kind of useful weapon the next time some zombies or skeletons arrived to attack them.

“You take that back.” Jeanne walked up to the blonde, glaring at him. “We are honorable people, but even soldiers have their limits. They have been through many attacks before you or I arrived here. If they leave now, it is because they are only human and they have reached their limits.”

“No, I won’t take it back.” Everyone looked at Alpha. “They clearly understand that if even the English aren’t taking advantage to invade France, the Dragon Witch is even worse than them. So what’s stopping the soldiers from defending their homeland? Intimidation?” Alpha pressed on, not caring about Ruler and her shocked face. “I don’t know what people made your army, but it’s clear they’re no better than rats. They don’t even trust you anymore!”

“Break it up, you two!” Mash frowned at the blonde Master. “Stop it, we don’t need any distrust between you and Jeanne.” Her face fell. “She’s already being hated enough by the villagers as it is.”

One night of rest later, the party of six was navigating through the forest of Jura. Sunlight sparkled on the morning dew of the leaves, falling down as the group traversed through the lush scenery. Of course, our heroes had an idea of where they were going after the incident in Vaucouleurs. With Jeanne D’Arc as their guide to the land, they headed towards Orleans.

“...Of course, it will be difficult to enter directly. There have been sightings of those wyverns swarming around Orleans, and who knows what else that Dark Jeanne has within her arsenal.” Jeanne’s eyes gazed beyond the trees into the open space ahead. “We are almost at La Charité. Hopefully we will find more information there-”

Dr. Roman’s worried face emerged from Naughty’s communication bracelet. “Please wait, I’m detecting a Servant up ahead!”

“Fou, fou!” To the surprise of everyone, the little rabbit creature had emerged from Mash’s shield and was making noises incessantly. It ran around the group, before suddenly climbing on Alpha’s back and reaching his head. Mash would have laughed had the situation been different. “What is it Fou? You want to see the sky over there?”

“Fou! Fou!”

“Seriously?” Alpha sighed, until he moved his gaze upwards and noticed wisps of smoke emerging from what was probably La Charité up ahead. “Is that town...burning?”

“Damn it. Looks like the enemy forces have started without us!” Nobunaga rushed forward. “We can’t let them get away!”

“This can’t be..” Jeanne was right behind her with a silent prayer for those townspeople.

“Doctor,” yelled Mash as the group ran forward. “Can you detect any survivors?” 

“There’s nothing. I can’t find any signals of humans!” 

The roar of wyverns made the earth rumble, and from the destroyed town buildings rose many small wyverns, their green scales gleaming in the daylight. The maws of these creatures dripped red with blood, clearly having been feasting on the citizens. Jeanne looked at the sight in disgust.

“Well, crap. We stumbled upon more wyverns. And it looks like they’re the reason there’s no one left.” Alpha felt his mood go from a bleak neutral indifference to slight annoyance. Which wasn’t much of a difference, but it wasn’t a mood improvement. 

“Mommy, didn’t the sparkly blue man say it was a Servant?” Jack took out a pair of knives.

“Let’s just say the Servant brought friends,” replied Alpha. He pointed to the advancing fleet of juvenile wyverns. “And now we need to get rid of them. Can you do that, Jack?”

“Of course Mommy!” The little Assassin ran off, climbing on top of a house and then proceeding to jump from rooftop to rooftop, never missing a beat. “Make me proud, Jack!” Hopefully she could hear his yell from where he stood. Alpha pulled out his sack. Da Vinci said the backpack had near-limitless storage, right? Maybe he could do something with it. The blonde Master went off to a nearby well, hoping there was still water to collect.

“Retainer, if there are no survivors, then there’s only one positive out of this.” The Demon Archer materialized an array of floating muskets. “I won’t hesitate to go all out! Keep me supplied with mana!” Naughty nodded, though he wasn’t sure how he was going to do that. The most important objective at the moment was to keep himself out of the attack zone….and maybe enjoy the view. It’s not every day he was seeing two ladies with big chests fighting in rather fitting armor, or that crimson devil that was his Archer-

“Senpai! Don’t just stand there, Senpai!” Mash blocked a hit from falling debris.

“Oops, _scusa_!” Ok, maybe admire Mash’s chest another time. Naughty ran with the Shielder through the streets of La Charite, dodging fires, bullets, and rubble. 

“Grrgrggrr..”

From a nearby toppled building shambled an entire congregation of people, moving aberrantly and without purpose. That is, until they made eye contact with Mash and Naughty. 

“RAAAAAAUUUUUGH!!!”

And just like a store opening its doors during a flash sale or Black Friday, the horde of zombies scrambled for the pair of unlucky Chaldeans. From his observation monitor, Ryuuto wanted to either laugh at Naughty’s expense or facepalm. “What kind of timing does someone need to have for this kind of crap to happen?”

“Senpai! Get behind me!” Naughty darted behind the Shielder, and both braced for impact. But the full impact never came. Just as both of them felt the initial collision of one body slamming into Mash’s shield came the ear-splitting noise of gunfire. Bullets whizzed left and right of Mash and Naughty, perforating the zombie attackers. Their bodies spasmed as their flesh was riddled with bullets, fading into dark purple dust before anything could hit the ground. It was clear who was their savior, and she laughed with much gusto.

“Retainer! You’ve got some nerve putting yourself in danger like that!” Nobunaga grinned, walking over the dusty remains of the undead.

“Ah, Archer. Thank you for helping with the-” Mash’s words were interrupted as her Master was suddenly wrenched from her arms and onto Nobu, who proceeded to yank Naughty down by the collar to kiss him. In the lips.

“Mmmph!” To say Naughty wasn’t enjoying it wouldn’t be a lie. But it certainly caught him by surprise. _He_ wanted to be the one to kiss her! He could feel his energy slipping away, but he didn’t feel..so bad...

It felt like a minute had passed, but it could have been seconds. But finally the Demon Archer pulled back and licked her lips. “I did say to keep me supplied, retainer. Now keep yourself out of trouble.” She gave her Master a smirk. Naughty stumbled a little from being free of Nobunaga’s grip, but gave her a thumbs up.

Mash was frankly, speechless. Maybe it was better if she had looked away….

* * *

“She did not just do that. She could have killed her Master with that move! And in the middle of a warzone too!” To say Okita was just a little miffed would be an understatement. “What a terrible Servant that infernal warlord is.” She turned to face Ryuuto. “Master, I will always protect you no matter what. I’ll only take it from you when necessary, and with your consent.”

“Y-yeah…” Ryuuto was still reeling from seeing that sudden display of public affection(?). “Wait, is this how you Servants receive energy?” Ryuuto looked at Da Vinci for an explanation. Luckily, the Caster was willing to give one, judging by the twinkle in her eyes. 

“That’s right! While it is true Chaldea provides Servants with enough energy to not be forced into spirit form, sometimes we need a little more “oomph” to be able to more effectively use our Noble Phantasms or special attacks.”

“And kissing is one of those ways to get it?” 

“Well...it’s more of the exchange of body fluids. He could have easily done it by giving her blood, but saliva works just fine. There is, however, another way…one could argue it’s the most effective.” Da Vinci gave Ryuuto an expecting gaze. Okita blushed, and Roman was just trying to focus on the observation data.

1, 2, 3 seconds passed, and a lightbulb went off in his head. “Wait, you don’t mean-”

* * *

Jeanne D’Arc grit her teeth as she pierced through undead civilians and skeleton warriors, grief strengthening her every strike and quickening her pace. All day, it was fighting and scouting, and yet as the sun was beginning to sink in the sky, there was no sign of life anywhere in the town.

Under the hood there was a mournful expression in her eyes. Surely, there had to be at least one person alive, right? Jeanne held on to that hope. La Charité had once been a site of great joy when she had liberated its people from the invading forces of the English. To see it like this was like a scene coming out of a nightmare, a future that should have been avoided.

Why was this town in complete and utter ruin? Who would do such a thing? These were but rhetorical questions. The answer was already there, unspoken, and weighing heavily in her heart.

The answer was also standing in front of her, her dark silhouette flickering like a mirage amongst the sheer heat of the flames. 

“You.” 

“Me.” That smile was too big on her face, one that matched hers in every way except for how pale it was. Those sickly yellow eyes that were filled with so much hate. Everything about this woman was a terrible mix of familiarity and fear, like looking into a funhouse mirror. It was Jeanne, but not quite Jeanne.

The Dark Jeanne raised her sword, letting loose a torrent of flame that charged towards the Ruler. 

“Augh!”

Ruler braced for impact as the flame collided with power against her flag, the hot blast knocking the Frenchwoman's hood off. There were no injuries on the saint, but she could still feel the intense heat in the metal of the pole.

“There, now I can see you better, you pathetic Heroic Spi-” The woman in black armor paused, frowning. She took a few steps forward, as if she couldn’t believe who she was seeing. Upon recognition, the psychotic smile was back in its rightful place. 

“Well, well, well, I didn’t think this was even possible. Take a look, Gilles.”

And conveniently for Ruler, Naughty, Alpha, their Servants, and Mash arrived on the scene. They had been feeling pretty satisfied, having cleared out the monsters in the area.

“Jeanne, why is there another one of you over there? And why is she hanging out with that tentacled creep?” Naughty’s bracelet beeped, and a hologram of Ryuuto popped out to join the fray. Which was then squished by Roman, who also joined in to inspect the situation. It was starting to look more like a group call. “This is the Servant! Or rather, Servants...a Ruler and...”

Jeanne Alter was getting even more infuriated. Her eye twitched upon the sight of the group gathered around Jeanne. “Could someone please pour water on me. I think I’m about to lose it.”

“Say no more,” said Alpha as he burst open his satchel. “Release!”

With the force of a water hose, a spray of water suddenly assaulted Dark Jeanne, causing her to flinch from being caught in a surprise splash zone. From Chaldea, everyone except Da Vinci’s mouth was agape. The Caster could only chuckle. “Well now, I didn’t expect him to actually try putting water in that thing. I did say materials could be stored and released, but this is a rather abstract take on it!”

Ryuuto shook his head, but he laughed. “He got that Dragon Witch good, though. Look, she’s really soaked.”

Soaked was an understatement. So was the word angry. Livid came close, as the evil Ruler gave Alpha the meanest look she could muster. “Hey, Gilles. Don’t you think these miserable wretched people deserve punishment? Because I am about to deliver what they fucking deserve!”

“Stay behind me!” Jeanne unfurled her banner just in time as the Dragon Witch hurled herself at the group, flames sputtering as they tried to manifest. “Khh!”

“First, a mockery of me, Jeanne D’Arc, standing before me and trying to avenge the very people who betrayed her.” With a powerful thrust, she pushed the saint back and scorched the earth with her feet.

“And then, these idiots come out and take this stupid holy virgin’s side, and one of them decides to have the audacity to mock me?!” Jeanne Alter cornered the Ruler to a crumbling wall. The Demon Archer stepped back, trying to fire a bullet at the witch. But it was useless, the shrapnel turned to ashes the moment they came within an inch of her armor.

“It’s so, so funny, you know? I think I might die of laughter!” The witch pushed against Jeanne, who countered with her pole, pushing it against the maniacal woman with all her might. “To see you, of all people. A wimp, a pathetic girl.” She stepped on Ruler’s foot, making Jeanne cry out in pain. However, this was not enough to make Jeanne’s strength waver. “Ah...it makes sense, as I originated from people like you. No, mice would not be the proper word to describe this country’s people. I can’t even muster any sympathy for rats, let alone you lot!”

Alpha blinked, remembering a prior conversation. “Mommy.” Jack tugged on Alpha’s shirt. “Just say the word and we can be very sneaky. We can be very, very sneaky, and tag that bad lady!” For emphasis, the little Assassin held up a knife.

Tag? Oh, she meant stab. Right. “Don’t worry, Jack. Ruler can handle it. See? She’s doing juuust fine.”

That was a severe understatement, and Mash couldn’t help but feel disappointed looking at those two. At least Senpai and Archer were helping, even if it was rather useless.

“Get. Off!” Somehow, Jeanne managed to find a burst of strength and pushed the witch backwards, who stumbled back in fury. “Who even are you,” gasped Jeanne, now angry. “Why would you do this to La Charite?”

“You _are_ Jeanne D’Arc, right? Then you should understand. Hahaha, Gilles, I didn’t know I could be so stupid!” She turned to face no one in particular. “Ah, I see we left Gilles behind this time.”

“Well, no matter. The people have betrayed me. I no longer hear the voice of God, therefore He does not love this country anymore. So as someone designated as Ruler, I shall pass judgement upon this land. For the people that betrayed the me who gave up her life to their ungrateful lives, I declare destruction to all of France! Oh, but through political and economic methods it would be so boring and slow. It’s better to physically crush things by your own hand!!”

“That’s funny,” mused the Demon Archer. “We were also thinking of razing France!” She loaded up a rifle. “But there’s only room for one avatar of destruction here, witch.”

Jeanne Alter was silent for a couple of seconds. And then, she laughed. It was a harsh cry of crazy joy, and ferocious incredulity. “You? You cannot even hope to best me! This is my homeland, however disgusting it is to me now.” She spread her arms out. “I have an army of dragons at my command. Fafnir is under my control as well. And while you all may have Servants…”

Two shadows formed at the feet of the Dragon Witch and rose, solidifying into two pale people, both with pale hair and armed with sharp-looking weapons. The woman wore a dress of steel, resembling an iron maiden. The man was dressed in a noble’s clothes, his long platinum blond hair flowing in the wind.

“I have some of my own. Berserk Assassin, Berserk Lancer.” Jeanne Alter grinned wickedly as both readied their weapons. “Take care of these miscreants for me, will you? Do whatever you wish to that country girl. I want her out of my sight. And rejoice, for they are strong. This will not be the usual hunting of weak prey.”

Berserk Assassin gave them a thin smile. “How delightful. A virgin’s blood is hard to come by.”

Berserk Lancer’s eyes narrowed. “Not so fast. I too wish to partake in their blood. You may have those girls, while I shall feast on the rest.”

“Hey guys? I hope you packed wooden stakes,” said Ryuuto from the hologram. “This looks like it’s going to be a vampire attack!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess not everyone is a shounen protagonist after all. But that's ok, no one is a saint here except Ruler. We're all sinners~! Today's useless trivia: What would the Stooges like for Valentine's Day? Alpha likes mints and candy canes. Naughty is into Frisks, and Ryuuto wants money. Chiaki loves dark chocolate.
> 
> Next time, it's thriller! Thriller night! Will our heroes fend off the berserk bloodsuckers and actually gain allies? Oh hey, this crystal rose looks really pretty...


End file.
